Do I Have a Show For You...

Dear Mr. Network Executive,

I think we need a new mega-reality show. One that will put your network over the top.

People are getting tired of the simple formulas that inspire trauma-based shows (Fear Factor, Scare Tactics), touchy-feely self-improvement tripe (The Swan, The Biggest Loser), or even surrounding-improvement programming (Monster House, Trading Spaces) or transportation-makeover episodes (Pimp My Ride, Overhaulin').

No, what we want, what we need, is a new ultra-reality show that combines the best elements of all the shows above.

My Solution:

Pimp My Bride. Seriously. Hear my out.

Start with four moderately-attractive engaged couples.

Maked them eat something really disgusting, and then given them a physical challenge that will make the more-athletic member of each couple infuriated with his or her future spouse. Or even better, combine the two into one event.

Then boot one of the couples out of the contest for some completely arbitrary reason.

Host Ty Rogan: "Maria, while your team actually came in first in the oral buffalo-chip relay, we just couldn't stand the bouncing of Dave's man-boobs as he ran. Your team is eliminated. Have some minty-fresh Listerine (sneaky product placement for our sponsers) and get to steppin'."

Down to three couples, split them up into teams of guys and girls, and have the same-sex threesomes compete in gender-opposite stereotypical contests.

Then bring the three couples back together, and boot another pair out of the contest, again for simply not liking one of them.

Host Ty Rogan: "Phil, you made an excellent three-cheese and broccoli quiche for brunch, and your lovely financee Marilyn excelled in calling that three-downs-and-out series in the Rams game. You should win this round and advance. But who carries the stones in this couple, Nancy-boy? Is she carrying your pair? You're eliminated. And don't drop your apron on the way out, Phil-lis."

At that point the contestant lunging at the host will, of course, call for an overzealous response from show security, combining the best elements of The Jerry Springer Show and Cops.

Am I a genius or what?

As the now-beaten and bloody losing contestant(s) are hauled away to jail, the remaining two couples will compete for our grand prize, a complete extreme makeover for the future bride, just like on The Swan... sorta.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

For our final contest, we'll combine the best of the home and car improvement shows, and have the couples design and build a garage that functions not only as a place to park a vehicle, but doubles as a man-refuge from his constantly nagging spouse.

The premise of this stunt alone will cause tension, and as the guys, blissfully unaware, try to figure out how they can fit a La-Z-Boy (product placement), a Budweiser beer tap (more advertising!) , and a Sony widescreen television (Even more advertising moolah, Mr. Network!) in front of a Buick (am I good at this or what?), the faces of the fuming girls will provide great tragi-comic relief.

Then, just to change things up, actually judge the final event on merit.

Relationship merit.

Ty Rogan: "Bill, that was an excellent idea to run the urinal tube from the front of your recliner directly into the septic line so that you'd never have to miss a second of the game. Unfortunately, in all your engineering excitement, you completely ignored Pam, and never noticed she was fuming in the corner. Think about how much butt you're going to have to kiss to make up for this one on the way out the door. And good luck in your 'Relationship.'

"John, you actually had the brains to tell Rebecca how wonderful she was and never even glanced at your potential sanctuary until she understood this was something you would only ever dream of doing 'for the show.'

"You are the winner of Pimp My Bride!"

At this point, we start a stage of the game that the winning couple doesn't know about. Remember I promised a Swan type ending? Well, that would be just too boring, wouldn't it?

At this point, an excited Rebecca, as the winning female, will be led away to visit a team of top-notch plastic surgeons for consultation, and will then have a day at the spa.

John on the other hand, as the winning male, will meet with the team of plastic surgeons who will actually be performing the surgery on Rebecca. He gets to make the call on implants, liposuction, dental work, etc. Just like in the other surgical shows, no one will see her, including herself, until the "big reveal" at the end of the episode.

Will Rebecca end up having more plastic than a cupboard full of Tupperware?

Does John even come close to making the right decisions?

Will Rebecca, in fact, kill John for what he did to her?

Are they going to remain engaged?

Who cares?

It's all good (for ratings), and you can see it all unfold again next week on Pimp My Bride.

So, Mr. Network Executive... do we have a show?

Update: Kevin at Cadet Happy whipped up an awesome image for Pimp My Bride and dropped it into sarahk's "real" site with all her other reality show addictions (right column). Now to pitch this to Fox...

Update 12/3: This article was the #1 search result for "Pimp Juice" on popdex ("the Website Popularity Index") for 12/1. Heh.