It's Punday!

In the pursuit of my English teaching day job I often come across various bit of fun with the mother tongue. This list of delightful puns came across my computer screen recently, unfortunately without attribution. I've found several other lists, some of which include some of these, but alas, no specific author for this particular group. If you should recognize the author, please let me know that I might give them proper credit.

I'll begin the list with one of my favorites:

Did you hear about the dyslexic existentialist? He spent his entire life pondering the meaning of dog.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.


Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.



Practice safe eating - always use condiments.



Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.



A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.



A hangover is the wrath of grapes.



Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.



Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?



Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.



Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.



When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.



A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.



What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)



Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.



In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.



She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.



A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.



If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.



With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.



The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.



You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.



Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.



Every calendar's days are numbered.



A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.



A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.



He had a photographic memory that was never developed.



A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.



Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.



Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.



Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.


Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Barack Obama: The Shocking Truth Finally Revealed!

NEWSFLASH: Barack Obama is a three-headed space alien from Alpha Centuri sent to Earth to kidnap women and the American economy because Alpha Centuri needs women and an economy! Confederate Yankee has done it again, breaking stories no sane blog will touch!

According to high ranking Administration sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, the stories about Mr. Obama’s ineligibility for office are true, but not as many have imagined. Rather than being merely foreign born, he was born—actually hatched--outside our solar system! “He has a personal concealment field that hides his true appearance and carries around ferocious space weasels in his trousers,” one source revealed to CY.

In another CY exclusive, another Administration source revealed a matter that has been vexing the public since NY Times' House Republican David Brooks' drooling article over Mr. Obama's pants creases: “They [the space weasels] maintain the creases Brooks drooled over, using unfathomable alien pant creasing technology."

Yet another female Administration source told CY: "You can’t imagine the havoc they’ve wreaked in the female staffer’s washroom. I mean they just pop out anywhere and women disappear!”

Rumors of missing female staffers have long swirled around the Obama White House. Another anonymous staffer provided this revealing e-mail. Written by a female staffer that has not been seen since the July 2nd date of the e-mail, it provides a chilling perspective on working in the White House:

From: Name Redacted
To: Jay Carney

Re: Ferocious Space Weasels

I can’t take it any more! Everywhere I go, I’m being pursued by these crazed weasels! I’m going through five pair of shredded pantyhose a week! And every time I see Mr. Obama, I swear he has three heads! And…wait a minute…what’s that noise…Oh, Mr. President, it’s you…what are you….AAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE…..

Presidential Press Secretary Jay Carney spoke with CY by phone: “I’ve never heard of Miss Redacted, er, whatever her name was, and I have no comment about space weasels" Carney said. "As for Mr. Glorgscarch, er, I mean Mr. Obama, I…AAIIIIEEEEEEEEE…”

Repeated requests for comment from Mr. Obama have gone without reply amid growing rumors of odd, glowing spacecraft landing on the East Lawn of the White House at irregular intervals.

CY will continue to follow this shocking story and report developments as they become available.

Can I be reported to Mr. Obama’s People’s Block Committee site, “Attack Watch” now, pretty please? It’s your Socialist duty! Join the glorious people’s revolution and report your neighbor or your parents today! Support the wise and glorious leader of the people's revolution! Show him how much you love him!

DISCLAIMER: Mr. Obama is not actually a three-headed space alien with ferocious space weasels in his neatly creased trousers. As far as we know.

Drill Here, Drill Now

If memory serves, it was Jack Handy's Deep Thoughts that noted:

"The face of a child can say it all—especially the mouth part of the face."

I have proof.

My school is fortunate to have an excellent ROTC program run by two first rate men. As in any military unit, more senior soldiers are responsible for preparing and teaching less senior soldiers. And so it was that a senior cadet, whose younger sister had only recently joined the program proudly exclaimed to the ROTC commander today:

"I drilled my sister all night!"

Fun With Vocabulary! Really!

At the beginning of each school year, I have a dilemma: How best to encourage seven separate sections of high school English students to enjoy and appreciate words? Building a large and flexible vocabulary is obviously important, but it's not so obvious to teenagers whose growing bodies are awash with love hormones and who often have the attention spans of gnats.

One of several methods I use is an unusual vocabulary quiz that illustrates the importance of knowing the denotations (definitions) and connotations (images and ideas associated with the word) of words. Because it's fun and provokes much delighted snickering (you'll see what I mean), the kids enjoy it, and it conditions them to do and even enjoy more traditional vocabulary work. We English teachers are sneaky that way (cue flashing lightning, thunder and maniacal laughter)!

So in honor of Labor Day—and hopefully you're resting from your labors—here's a bit of fun with vocabulary. The answers appear after the jump. Don't peek or you'll be looking at detention, little mister/missy!

Directions: Answer each question with a yes or no.

(1) It is a presidential election year. The candidate you intend to vote for, responding to a sensational news story, admits that he is a practicing HETEROSEXUAL. Should you vote for him?

(2) Your favorite minister, responding to persistent rumors, admits to the congregation that despite being married for 26 years, he has consistently practiced MONOGAMY. Should he be run off?

(3) You have had your eye on a guy/girl for some time. You’re sure that they will go out with you if you ask, but you learn that they are POLYDACTYL. Would it be medically safe to ask them out?

(4) Your favored candidate for the U.S. Senate delivers a speech wherein he announces his absolute support for FEDERALISM. Would it be un-American to vote for him?

(5) You are seriously considering voting for an obviously intelligent, capable candidate for the U.S. House of Representatives when you learn that he is a lifelong LIBERTARIAN. Would it be moral to vote for him?

(6) The President is running for reelection. He proudly states that he will aggressively pursue a FECKLESS foreign policy. Should he be reelected, particularly during wartime?

(7) Your favored candidate for the U.S. Senate is forced to admit that he once EXPECTORATED in the presence of women and children. Does this make him unfit for office?

(8) You are considering voting for a presidential candidate, but during a campaign speech, he says that he believes that all women must be ENFRANCHISED. Is he against women?

(9) The man/woman you intend to marry tells you that he/she is very serious about POSTERITY. Should you be worried?

(10) Your boy/girlfriend suddenly demands that you kiss them on their RICTUS. Do you run away?

(11) You are considering dating a very attractive guy/girl until a friend tells you they have a well-deserved reputation for TRUCULENCE. Should you date them?

(12) You are considering dating a very attractive guy/girl until a friend tells you that they are ODIFEROUS. Would it be fun to date them?

(13) The opponent of your favored presidential candidate delivers a passionate campaign speech wherein he accuses your candidate of MASTICATING at least three times a day. Should you be concerned about this?

(14) The opponent of your favored presidential candidate delivers another passionate campaign speech wherein he asserts that your candidate has led an IMMORTAL life. Is this a reasonable charge?

(15) The opponent of your favored presidential candidate delivers yet another passionate campaign speech wherein he claims that your candidate supports FLUORIDATION and has a distinctly COPERNICAN view of the Earth. Should you be concerned?

ANSWERS:

(1) HETEROSEXUAL: He is attracted to the opposite sex. So most Americans would have no problem voting for him. California is another thing entirely.

(2) MONOGAMY: Don't run him off! He has been faithful to his wife. For a minister, that's a good thing!

(3) POLYDACTYL: Medically safe? Yes. They have more than the usual number of fingers or toes. This one usually creeps out many of my kids.

(4) FEDERALISM: Considering that Federalism is our way of government, this one is OK. Yes, I know our current federal government doesn't recognize Federalism, but I'm just an English teacher. It's not my fault.

(5) LIBERTARIAN: It's moral to vote for him. Libertarians want maximum personal freedom and minimal government intrusion. Yes, I know our current federal government doesn't buy this either and it's still not my fault.

(6) FECKLESS: No, he should not be reelected as he plans to pursue a weak and ineffective foreign policy. Hey! That sounds familiar…

(7) EXPECTORATED: Unfit for office? Nah. He spat. If that's the worst he's done, he's a virtual saint compared to many of our politicians.

(8) ENFRANCHISED. No, he's not against women; he just wants them to be able to vote.

(9) POSTERITY: You should not be worried unless that is you don't want children. Posterity is future generations, your offspring. My kids snicker at this one as it reminds them of "posterior."

(10) RICTUS: Don't run away! They want a kiss on the mouth. Well, maybe run away… This one causes the kids to run around for a week or so asking everyone in sight for a kiss on the rictus.

(11) TRUCULENCE: Don't date them! They're nasty and aggressive—I mean, unless you like that sort of thing…

(12) ODIFEROUS: Fun? Well, considering they're smelly, it may not be so much fun, again, unless you like that sort of thing…

(13) MASTICATING: No, you shouldn't be concerned. He's being accused of chewing—essentially eating—three times a day. Oh yes, this one really has the kids snickering.

(14) IMMORTAL: Unless he's Duncan MacLeod, the Highlander, it's not a reasonable charge: he's being accused of living forever.

(15) FLUORIDATION/COPERNICAN: Concerned? Nah. He supports putting Fluoride in drinking water to protect tooth enamel (happens just about everywhere) and believes that the Earth orbits the Sun (which it does).

It's Turned To "11"! Run!

While it is certainly reasonable and rational to be outraged at the Obama Administration's recent raid on the Gibson Guitar Company...What? The Gibson Guitar Company?! You haven't heard about that one? Les Paul is surely spinning in his grave.

This week the Feds raided Gibson, seizing what they claim are woods prohibited by various environmental regulations from importation and use. The most bizarre aspect of their raids seems to be that Gibson is not actually, you know, violating any American laws nor are the Feds enforcing any American laws. The Feds now seem to be enforcing Indian--as in the nation, not domestic indian--laws. Go here for the story.

One of the truly good and Obamaesque parts of the whole sordid affair is that federal agents at our borders have for some time been seizing guitars if they suspect that portions of them were made--even decades ago--with wood that might, under some obscure treaty or foreign law somewhere, be somehow currently illegal, even if the owner could have had no possible way to know that. Apparently the feds intend to continue this practice as well. Guilty until you prove yourself innocent; it's the Obama way!

All I can say is thank goodness Mr. Obama is now focused on doing away with a handful of unnecessary, idiotic and nationally suicidal regulations--while simultaneously implementing literally thousands of unnecessary, idiotic and nationally suicidal regulations each and every year. And thank goodness someone is now dealing with the horrific societal effects of a bit of imported ebony or other semi-exotic woods, whether it's actually illegal or not. No doubt Gibson is responsible for most of Global Warming. Notify Al Gore!

Wait a minute! I'll bet this is just a part of Mr. Obama's never-ending campaign to save or create jobs! I wonder how much a federal guitar raider makes a year? Do they have groupies? Could be a pretty cool gig!

The best way to attack such totalitarian lunacy is through humor, and the invaluable Ironhawk has done just that to magnificant effect. Go here for the musical mayhem. Who knew this whole mess was related to Gunwalker?

With Barack Obama, we really do have to pick and choose our daily outrages. There are just so many. Rick Perry's promise to make Washington DC as inconsequential in our daily lives as possible is sounding more and more like the new "don't tread on me" every day.

Aggravated Analogies

As a teacher of the mother tongue, one of the more difficult and sometimes torturous things I do is teaching students how to enliven their writing with insightful, intellectually pleasing analogies. I have, for many years, kept the inadvertently funny things my students have written and often share them with you.

This list of aggravated analogies came to me from a colleague who was not sure from whence they came. Apparently, they are a conglomeration of beatings suffered by the language at the hands of students everywhere and anywhere. Should anyone wish to claim authorship of the list, by all means, let me know and I'll be delighted to properly apportion credit (or blame).

In the meantime, I can certify that these syntactic train wrecks are precisely the sorts of thing my students often produce. And no, these are not evidence of the horrors of the public schools, for such mangled contrivances are often produced by the brightest and most capable students who unlike their less daring peers are willing to inch as far out on the linguistic limb as possible before inadvertently sawing it off like an inadvertent linguistic limb sawer-offer or something. Stop me before I analogize again!

In any case, may the chagrin experienced by those students who couldn't see what they had written, nor understand its horror, until it was pointed out to them by English teachers shaking with helpless laughter, pass you by as you enjoy the fruits of their…labors?

1) She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

2) She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

3) Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

4) Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.

5) His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

6) He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

7) He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8) The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9) The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10) McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11) Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

12) They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

13) John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

14) He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

15) From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

16) Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

17) The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

18) Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

19) Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20) The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for awhile.

22) He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

23) He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

24) The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

25) It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. [And who hasn't done that?!]

Ray Stevens Explains the Obama Budget Plan

I'm Working On It!

Story here.

Gunwalker: The Tee Shirt

Sean has them.

And at this point, it's fair to wonder if he brings up the slogan as a joke or a legitimate question.

Found: Local Industry Obama's Policies Have Helped

Seen on my way home from work yesterday, an increasingly rare Obama campaign sticker on the back of a van used by a local company in one of the few businesses the President's economic policies have actually helped.

The Most Important Post in the History of the Internets

Some consider this comedy.

If it describes your, however, please read it a second time.

Comic Writings, May 30, 2011, Part II

Welcome back to the second half of the literary bird droppings of my high school students. I hope the first half, posted May 23 (here) made your week a bit more mirthful. Let’s begin with a slightly skewed observation about Shakespeare’s classic, “Julius Caesar”:

What Was the Soothsayer’s Warning to Caesar?: “Beware the eyes of March.”

Use “Debauchery” In A Sentence: “The family had a lovely evening of debauchery.”

Really? “When debauchery is accomplished, it is good for the soul.”

They did?!: “The couple kissed debaucherily under the fascinating mistletoe.”

It Is?! What’s Your Worst?: “Debauchery is one of my best qualities.”

Uh, OK…: “One of the great things about the book is it’s a subtle movie.”

Uh, OK Too…: “Movies always put books into a better perspective to me because I can visualize what my mind is imagining and it is easier for me to comprehend.”

Contemptible Crops Department: “There are students who are contempt with getting by just barley in school.”

Well, He Was a Fighter…:

Q: The great Muslim warrior who fought the Crusaders was?

A: “Muhammed Ali.”

I Had No Idea He Was A Muslim!:

Q: The great Muslim warrior who fought the Crusaders was?

A: “Chuck Norris.”

Hope and Change:

Q: The great Muslim warrior who fought the Crusaders was?

A: Obama.”

Yo, Adrienne!:

Q: The great Muslim warrior who fought the Crusaders was?

A: Rocky Balboa.”

Give Peace a Chance:

Q: The great Muslim warrior who fought the Crusaders was?

A: Ghandi.”

Uh, Could We Have a Noun or Two, Please?: “There was a lot of feudal in the Medieval.”

They Pray to A Pop Singer?: “The Catholics pray to Madonna.”

She Did It Where?!: “Madonna was a virgin who gave birth to Jesus in the Bible.”

Like A Virgin: “Jesus’ mommy was Madonna.”

In The Where of Whom?: “Jesus presided in the woom of Madonna

Did He Know That?: “Jesus’ dad was the original Madonna.”

As Opposed To Overlooking It With her Nose?: “The Madonna stood shyly,
overlooking the temple with her eyes.”

Biological and Theological Confusion Department: “Jesus was born inside Madonna.”

I Hate It When That Happens: “She has a propensity to drik too much.”

So That’s How They Do it!: “Teachers degrade your paper to find out your grade.”

I Knew Football Was Bad! “I seemed senile after the football game.”

Overheard In Class: “It would be good if it was better.”

Uh, what? “I’m not saying that women should be under the control of their husbands, but it’s always good to be that way sometimes.”

Tell Me More About Your Family…: “My Dad should have been more affectionate and loving toward her wife.”

Overheard In Class: “Do Muslims have belly buttons?”

And We All Know How Much That Can Hurt: “Friends can either help you or hurt you in the end.”

So, They’re Making Them With Radioactive Sterno These Days? “The heat in the dessert was perpetual.”

So, They Worship Shiny Cloth?: “It should never be taken to the point of satin worshipping…”

The Reality of Teenage Dating In Poetry:

“You mean the world to me
It’s like we were meant to be.
April twenty-six was the day
We are still together,
And it’s almost May.

Truer Words Were Never Written: “Teachers know why animals eat their young.”

Question Asked Of The Teacher: “Mr. McDaniel, can I use ‘thrust’ in my poem? I’m not using it in a bad way!”

No Kidding! Department: “Some girls are Machiavellian in high school.”

Overheard in Class: “If I have to pee, it’s going to be on you!”

Identity Crisis Department: “’The Red Wheelbarrow’ by William Carlos Williams is a poem about a farmer who lives on a ranch.”

Singing Cleaning Shop Department: “’Mr. Tanner’ by Harry Chapin is about a man named Mr. Tanner who has a cleaning shop that was pressured from his friends to go to New York and sing.”

And I Think We All Know How Much That Can Hurt: “The theme of the book is emphasized at the end when George shoots Lennie in the forest.”

School Cannibalism Department: (Announcement) “We will also have a picnic in the student body—I mean the student lobby…”

Teenage Poetic Angst Department:

“We were one
We had fun
I used to be happy
Now I feel crappy.”

Self Love Department:

“I remember you always
And years from now
As we grow old together
The memories we’ll share
The situations we’ll encounter
Won’t be equaled by anyone else…
My friend, my navel.”

A Poem Only a Dentist Could Love:

“As we sit in the garden of youth cherishing a moment forever
The world spins everlasting
My heart beats like a humming bird’s swift flying motion
as you say your fillings for me.”

Overheard in Class: “If you went to prison, you’d be screwed.”

Literary Confusion Department: “To give up the tension to explore more humanity does not do the novel justice because Ken Kesey wrote it intentionally or not to integrate the tension.”

Unintentional Truth Department: “Old people’s teeth are usually transient.”

One Of These Days These Boots Are Gonna Walk All Over You: “A man named Dr. Sayer tried to heel many people…”

Uh, What? Department: “It [being awakened from a catatonic state] will be defecating if it will ever happen.”

Teacher Question: What is a gerund?

Student Answer: “Isn’t that like a little rat?”

Literary Confusion Department: “Dr. Sayer comes along a patient named Lucy and does an experiment in which he throws a tennis ball at her and discovers that they all have reflexes.”

Found In the “Name” Blank of a Vocabulary Worksheet: “Noun”

Literary Confusion Department, #2192: “In the story, Curley’s wife is called a tart. That word resembles a slut to us today.”

I Had No Idea They Could Talk: “A great cry burst from her hips…”

Being Compacted Would Probably Do That! Department: “It teaches compaction and doing the honorable thing by your friend, even if it kills you inside.

He Held Her What/Where?!: So Curley’s wife kept screaming, so Lennie just kept holding her titer and titer…”

Ouch!: “George was right in shooting Lennie in the end.”

So, That Concludes It Then?: “The conclusion was very conclusive.”

Barack McFly doesn't Know What Year It Is

Scholar-President thinks it is 2008.

Comic Writings, May 23, 2011, Part I

Have you ever written something and thought it was pretty darned good, only to reread it a day later—or after it has been returned, bleeding like a sieve from all of the wounds inflicted by an English teacher—and found yourself horrified by the mistakes you overlooked? Sure you have; we all have. It’s just human nature. When we try to proofread immediately after we’ve completed something, the brain plays tricks on us. We tend to see what we think we wrote, the perfectly organized, brilliantly argued, insightful paper we envision, not what we actually committed to paper (or silicon). It is only when we put time and space between a finished writing and our attempt to proofread that we are able to see glaring, black and white reality, and improve it before releasing it upon an unsuspecting world.

Every year, I collect the wounderful products of too-rapid proofreading, or worse (better?) yet, no proofreading at all. Rather than allowing them to die a merciful death, I preserve them for all time, the better to remind us all that there but for the time to effectively proofread go I. I do this because I am an evil English teacher! Dr. Evil would be proud.

Please, gentle readers and fellow butchers of the mother tongue, don’t say that what you’re about to read is evidence of the horrendous failings of our public schools. It is not, and besides, to paraphrase John Cleese in the “We’ve Got A Witch!” scene of “Monty Python and The Holy Grail”: “They got better.” Many of these little deranged gems were written by my finest students, smart, capable kids who allowed themselves to become just a little rushed. If they were perfect, after all, they’d be English teachers! No names have been included so embarrassment does not interfere with laughter and learning.

It has been wisely said that no one ever really finishes a work of literature; they merely, eventually, abandon it in despair. So sit back and enjoy these orphaned offspring of despair, the product of my manifested English evil! I’ll post the second half of these literary lesions next Monday.

Can You Really Use That as an Adjective? Department: “This is evident when he says ‘I noticed some pieces of limbs and suck things floating down…’”

Water Fowl Royalty Department: “What is Huck’s last straw regarding his tolerance for the Duck and the King?”

He Traded Her For Bees? “Huckleberry thinks he’s being mean because he be trades the widow…”

I Hate It When They Cone Them! “Yes. Huck is trying to make sure that no one gets coned…”

What About Junior Gall Bladder Jones? “Sophomore Colon Smith will start at quarterback Friday…”

And Spell Like A Vagabond? “…in my opinion, I write like a hobo.”

Self Respect Department: “I have a lot of self respect for myself.”

Well, That Explains It! Department: “Most of my homework is based on ellipsis.”

I Hate It When That Happens! Department: “My sister annoyed me by verbatimizing me.”

He Didded? “’Jesus wepted’ is a passage quote out of the Bible.”

Drugs In The Movies Department: “…a church funded the movie and in return their youth pastor had to be the heroin…”

Use “Deprive” In A Sentence: “Mr. Johnson likes to deprive me of my beautiful Mohawk.”

Carpet Cleaners Too? “There are vacuums in space…”

And This Surprises You? “After he died, he only had one expression on his face for the rest of the movie.”

I Hate It When That Happens! Department: “The main set is the town cemetery where the main characters are berried.”

Boo! “Tor Johnson was played by a big Swedish wrestler who spooks English very badly.”

Fun With Statistics! Department: “Most of the actors was not that good half the time in the movie.”

How About Twice? “The plot made absolutely no sense once so ever.”

I Hate It When That Happens! “They always had one, maybe two different expirations on their face if that.”

No Kiddin’! “Internment is like volunteering for a job.”

Mangled Aphorisms Department: “The end does not always justify what it means.”

On the Daily Announcements: “The Fire Department needs water; please bring water!”

Use “Migration” In A Sentence: “The migration of birds produces lots of poop on your car.”

Uh, Is This Gross Or What? “Many reporters are in love and obsessed with Barak Obama’s a listening nocturnal muscles.”

This Is Either Really Insightful, Or… “They had to vote for suffrage.”

Automotive Rights Department: “I am inalienable to drive at the moment.”

Student Lamenting His Recent Haircut: “I got my locks of love cut off!”

No Kidding! Department: People are trying to prevent obesity, as it is a widely spread issue…”

Uh, What? “Knowing that federal court have consistently upheld the right of firearms to make reasonable informed choices about their own responsibilities do you favor continuing to allow everyone to own firearms or would you ban all abortions?”

And We All Know How Much That Can Hurt: “Rafael Palmero was proven guilty of the use of performance enhancing drugs and he was stripped of his tittles…”

I Hate It When That Happens: “When American war heroes are angulated and appreciated…”

On The Header of Report Cards: “Smithville ISD will be a highly acclaimed model of Educationsl Excellence.”

A Second Try on the Header of Report Cards: “Smithville ISD will be a highly acclaimed model of Educational Excellance [spelling, obviously not so much].”

That’s A Good Question: “Is cheerleading a really sport?”

Beastly Music Department: “Beethoven is a beast composer.”

Uh, Right: “Oratorio Is Not A Canadian City.”

Everyone’s A Critic: “”It [the William Tell Overture] has very good theme and makes me want to go to sleep.”

Uh, OK: “The London Philharmonic Orchestra preformed the William Tell Adventure.”

Aren’t We All?: “…Rossini wrote softer dynamics to show how relaxed and tranquil nature is after a good shower.”

As Opposed To Ending To Conclude?: “This is the second movement starting to begin.”

Being Longer Has Its Disadvantages: “Some physicians say the longer an athlete the more severe and persistent the symptoms become.”

Self Evident Answers Department: “Narcolepsy: Good or Bad?”

Keep The Guatemalans Out! Department: “It is not morally right for Mexico to build their own fences on their southern borders.”

“I am polydactyl; give me a high seven!”

Use “Comatose” in a Sentence: “Your face will be coma toast.”

It Affects Their Writing Too: “Drugs have a major disaster on students and completely ruins their time college and makes your time worthless.”

Announcement: “Now For the Edge of Aplegiance…”

Define “Canon”: “A deep depression in the earth with steep sides.”

So, You’re a Moth? “Morrie reminds me of my eighth grade teacher Mr. Andrews who was a moth teacher.”

Truth In A Research Paper: “Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class.”

Join us again, same batty time, same batty channel, next Monday for more compositional catastrophe!

Adventures in Linguistics!

I must admit it: Barack Obama has inspired me. In light of certain recent manifestations of linguistic obfuscation, Mr. Obama has motivated me to emulate William Shakespeare. After all, if he could make up words, why can’t I? Well, OK, so I’m not the most brilliant playwright in the English language, but I know my way around a dictionary, so why not? So here’s my new word, my original contribution to the mother tongue, in convenient dictionary format:

Obombism (oh-bahm-izm), n. 1. A euphemism for a direct, simple term that, while appearing literate and intellectual, is actually meaningless and incomprehensible, thus contributing to the bombing--i.e destruction--of the English language. Ex: “The war was a kinetic military action.”
2. A descriptive translation of a direct and simple term misused and misappropriated for political purposes so as to clarify and restore its meaning. Ex.: Historic Presidential Speech: "Banal teleprompter reading."

The kind of ingenious, yet entirely useless and unnecessary, linguistic innovations wrought by Mr. Obama and his sycophants deserve to be widely disseminated, if for no other reason than to mock them mercilessly in an almost certainly vain attempt to shame the shameless. It’s a dirty job, but someone has to do it. In that noble pursuit, I offer twenty Obombisms:

(1) Tomahawk Cruise Missile: “Airborne explosive loose change”

(2) Duck: “Aquatic excrement infusion facilitator”

(3) Cow: “Udderly cud-masticating lactose generator”

(4) Peace: “Non-kinetic, non-combatant somnambulistic state of being”

(5) Wisconsin Democrat Legislator: “Mobile fleeing perpetual outrage monkey”

(6) Barack Obama: “Teleprompter manufacturer full employment insurance”

(7) Hillary Clinton: “Opportunistic foreign policy contrarian"

(8) Public Employee Unions: “Taxpayer revenue blood-sucking death cabbages from Hell”

(9) Joe Biden: “Gafftastic malaprop generator”

(10) Predator Drone: “Obama foreign policy”

(11) Bicycle: “Self-initiated locomotive crotch chafer”

(12) Ally: “Object of scornful derision and denigration”

(13) Enemy: “Object of obsequious appeasement”

(14) Arizona: See “Ally”

(15) American People: See “Ally”

(16) Illegal Immigration: “Ya’ll come on in and sit for a century or two”

(17) Oil: “Brazilian economic growth and full employment initiative”

(18) Obamacare: “National economic and personal death panel”

(19) Gasoline: “Energy price skyrocket”

(20) Ethanol: “Farm state subsidy skyrocket”

See how much fun this is? And talk about providing a public service! You too can contribute to mass public confusion and the eventual dissolution of the English language! You too can turn perfectly useful words like “hope” and “change” into meaningless jumbles of letters and sounds! Why not start today to continue what Mr. Obama has begun? As Joe “The Sheriff” Biden would say, it’s your patriotic duty!

Patriotic: “Unbelievable amount of money-wasting progressive boondoggle”

Inadvertent Humor

Regular readers know that my day job consists of teaching the youth of American to love the mother tongue. Yes, yesterday I could not spell "English teacher," and today I are one! Part of the delight of the job is collecting all of the inadvertently humorous writings and comments my kids make each year. This year's list is shaping up to be a bumper crop. I'll share the entire thing with you in June, but for now, two classics I added this week:

Question about word choice in poetry from a female student: "Mr. McDaniel, can I use 'thrust' in my poem? I'm not going to do it in a bad way."

Overheard in class: "If I have to pee, it's on you!"

Story of O

Via email.

Olbermann's Downfall

You knew it was inevitable.

A Dickensian Defense of Christmas

At this time of year, A variety of organizations--such as the ACLU--and other cold, narrow souls wrap themselves in the cloak of public morality and virtue and renew their yearly attack on Christmas and its related symbols. It’s not that they’re the embodiment of Ebeneezer Scrooge, no; they’re taking on this crusade for the good of us all, so that we may live up to our highest and most cherished principles:

Average Citizen: Oh yeah? Like what?

Christmas Crusher: Like what? Well, uh, like, uh, diversity!

AC: Diversity? What’s that supposed to mean?

CC: Well, uh, like, you know, so like no one feels, you know, left out...

AC: Don’t you mean inclusiveness?

CC: That’s it! Inclusiveness. And diversity.

AC: But Christmas doesn’t leave anyone out.

CC: Yes it does! It’s about the birth of...of...you know...

AC: Of?

CC: (Choking and gagging) ...of...

AC: C’mon, you can do it...Je...

CC: Hack! Je...

AC: ...suuuuus...

CC: ...suuuuus...(choke)...

AC: Oh never mind. You don’t have to say it. Why does celebrating the birth of Jesus leave anyone out?

CC: Whew! It violates the First Amendment!

AC: That’s just silly. You can still enjoy Christmas even if you’re not a Christian.

CC: No you can’t! No you can’t!

AC: Now you’re being childish.

CC: Am not! Am not! You are! You are!

AC: That’s it. I’m taking my candy canes and going home.

CC: Candy canes? Could I have one of those...?

One of the great joys of America is that we are free to celebrate common holidays, common traditions, as we please. One may experience Christmas as the most joyous, meaningful religious observance, merely take pleasure in the generosity of gift giving, or simply enjoy a day or two of sleeping in, and as Thomas Jefferson said in speaking of the American religious tradition, it neither picks our pockets or breaks our legs. That is part of the simple genius of the Constitution, and the wonder of Christmas.

Charles Dickens said it best in “A Christmas Carol”:

“Nephew!” returned the uncle, sternly, “keep Christmas in your own way and let me keep it in mine.:

“Keep it!” repeated Scrooge’s nephew. “But you don’t keep it.”

“Let me leave it alone then,” said Scrooge. “Much good may it do you! Much good has it ever done you!:

“There are many things from which I might have derived good, by which I have not profited, I dare say,” returned the nephew. “Christmas among the rest. But I am sure I have always thought of Christmas time, when it has come round--apart from the veneration due to its sacred name and origin, if anything belonging to it can be apart from that--as a good time: a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time: the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow-passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys. And therefore, uncle, though it has never put a scrap of gold or silver in my pocket, I believe that it has done me good and will do me good; and I say, God bless it.”

Because of common beliefs and celebrations, Americans remain the most generous people on Earth. Christmas is, in large part, the inspiration for this national generosity, as well as being a reflection, in countless nativity scenes, beautifully adorned trees and billions of twinkling lights, of the innate kindness and good will of Americans.

So let us leave those who will not keep Christmas alone, but let us also demand that they leave us alone as well. It’s the American way. Sadly, that’s a large part of what so bothers them. But with good will toward all, let us join with Tiny Tim, who said, “God bless us, every one!”

So That's What You Meant...Right?

One of the joys of teaching high school English is reading student writing. While many teachers in other disciplines recoil in horror at the amount of reading and grading English teachers do, we tend to enjoy it because it is in student writing that we see their progress and share their epiphanies, their sudden bursts of insight and understanding. On the other hand, we also experience the kind of linguistic pile-ups that can leave a sentence, a paragraph, even an entire essay battered and bleeding.

Over the years, I’ve taken to collecting the bruised victims of those collisions, and rather than patching them up, I cruelly allow them to live as written for the mirth and merriment of others. Sometimes, I can infer what a student actually meant. Often, well, there’s just no telling. You’ll see what I mean.

For your Christmas merriment, enjoy the small gift of these sixty examples of good intentions, yet bizarre accomplishments, from my students!

FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF FRACTURED FILM AND LACERATED LITERARY CRITICISM:

(1) I’m Glad You Clarified That: “There was some dialogue when the characters spoke.”

(2) I’m Not Sure If I’m Glad You Clarified That: “From start to finish, the entire story had action. It was like having a climax the entire book.”

(3) So That Explains It: “When Charles Dickens was around, people did not have much of an imagination due to not having televisions.”

(4) He Can?: “Charles Dickens’ way of writing is unique because he can turn a sentence into a paragraph.”

(5) Starring As What?!: “The Princess Bride is a movie directed by Rob Reiner and written by William Goldman. It starred Cary Elwes as Wesley, Robin Wright as Buttcup...”

(6) That’s A Good Thing: “When Mark Twain wrote this book he had the attention to write it the way he wrote the book.”

(7) Aren’t You More Or Less Born That Way?: “In the end she [Elizabeth Proctor] was saved and watched her husband become hung.”

(8) Uh, OK...: “The confusing was confusing and a let down in the happy ending department.”

(9) So That’s What Good Art Is!: “The work had good art like the contents of his stomach in the back seat.”

(10) Adventures In Gender Confusion: “This poem is called “The Truth The Dead Know” and the speaker is a mid-age man who has lost her husband in a tragic death.”

(11) I’d Like That Too: “This story was very good. I would like to finish the story some time.”

(12) Uh, I’m Not Sure You Got The Point...: “You could see the whole story in your head when Mr. McDaniel described the snot coming out of his mouth.”

(13) So That’s What Students Are Waiting For!: “When Mr. McDaniel was reading this piece of work it held the reader’s attention because the reader wanted to know if he was going to kill himself.”

(14) He Did? They Did?: “There were special effects with people coming out of the screen, and with the same person talking to each other...”

(15) They Are?: “The theme of ‘Roxanne’ is that someone that you are in love with might be cute, but the real people that love you are the ugliest person in the world.”

(16) You Do?: “The theme [of Cyrano DeBergerac] is a good plot of what might happen in life except the fact you may have a huge nose.”

(17) I’m Glad You Clarified That: “If I were to read it [a book] myself it probably would have had the same impact on me as if I were to read it myself. . . .”

FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF MUSIC DEPRECIATION AND CONFUSION:

(18) Well, Of Course!: “Yes, it is well composed because the composer (Mozart) knew what he was doing otherwise people wouldn’t have hired him to compose a Mozart piece.”

(19) She Was?!: “’Behold, a Virgin Shall Conceive’” was very short and her voice was loud.”

(20) Well, Of Course! II: “The music totally enhanced the film to a new level because when no one was talking, it would have been silence.”

(21) Well, That Explains It: “The music was pretty loud but so was the lyrics. That is why this is pop music.”

(22) Images We Can Live Without #237: “It [an a capella piece of music] made ones back hairs stand up, and that’s neat when it happens.”

(23) Decisive Choices Department: “This music isn’t breaking new ground, but it isn’t innovative either. It’s right in the middle of both breaking new ground and innovative.”

DEPARTMENT OF SHAKESPEAREAN TRAGEDIES:

(24) Standing Ovations For Shakespeare: “Perhaps we will never know why Shakespeare wrote the Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet the way that he did. It will remain a mystery to the world. But I know one thing, if he did go out in public, tomorrow, and pull his pants down, people would applaud.”

(25) So That’s What Makes It Good!: “But overall the play [“Julius Caesar”] has a good theme, only because a lot of people die.”

(26) Fun With Shakespearean Cooking: “But on the good side of him [Brutus] he did stick to his pan...”

(27) It Has?!: “Julius Caesar was killed by his best friend, Brutus. This sort of thing has happened to me.”

(28) How To Win Friends And Influence People: “Mark Antony is a good friend basically because he stabbed one of his good friends...”

IT’S GREEK TO ME DEPARTMENT:

(29) Epic Greek Poem By A Ninth Grader: “Clever, quick and cunning, Leia got into Jabba’s palace. Her enemas is slow yet powerful. . . .”

(30) Greek Confusion #1: “The women in the Odyssey were treated vary badly because when they would sing the men would plug there ears. . . .”

(31) She Did What Where?!: “Since he [Odysseus] was gone for 20 years. . .his wife tested him on the bed that he made.”

(32) Greek Confusion #2:“The ancient Greeks were the first to develop a way of life.”

(33) That’s My Favorite Too: “My favorite part is where king Creon and Antigone were arguing and he sentenced her to death. I would like to do more of these plays.”

DEPARTMENT OF GENERAL LITERARY DERANGEMENT, FLOOR ONE:

(34) I Knew Cape Cod Was Different, But...: “When the pressure came on he turned his back and ran to Cape Cod, to relieve himself.”

(35) This Is Either Really Insightful Or Amazingly Dense...: “America should fight to gain world peace. . .”

(36) Student Responding To A Teacher Request To Read Newspaper Editorials: “I tried reading some but it didn’t work.”

(37) That’s A Good First Step Alright: “Yet the facts are there that one major concern before teens consider an abortion is, “Am I Pregnant?”

(38) They Are? They Do?: “Humanities are called ‘sea cows’ that swim, and most of them die because of the boaters.”

(39) Are You Sure That Will Improve Your Grades?: “Now I am going to do a lot more studding, so my grades improve.”

(40) He Did?: “A mad scientist whose name we cannot mention, admitted that after seeing the movie he began experimenting to bring his own dead body back to life.”

(41) Who?: “Lovell had to travel to the moon with his crew, something that had only been accomplished once before by Lance Armstrong and his crew.”

(42) Why, Indeed?: “Why do you have to put such big words in this English book?”

(43) It Is?: “This technique [catching one by punishing all] is called a Buckwheat and is used by the Mafio.”

(44) She Did?: “Lilly ended up marring the second prince and she was the next queen.”

(45) It Was?: “He saw a woman taking a bath that was very, very pretty.”

(46) Sounds Like A Good Idea To Me: “I was privileged to be able to attend a Kendo class. It was a very enlightening experience. This was the only class that I was allowed to hit the teacher. There should be more classes like this.”

(47) So That’s Where It’s Done!: “Women today can do more because of feminine rights activists. They can vote and hold jobs and go out in public, which is done a lot in the mall.”

(48) I Guess We’re All Potential Victims...: “Good art leaves you feeling pleasant or in disbelief. If this ever happens, you have been a victim of good art.”

(49) I Hate It When That Happens!: “Satire is holding up individuales to riticual by the hyperboles.”

(50) It’s Good To Have Certainty...: “We have a strict definition for everything--mostly.”

DEPARTMENT OF RELIGIOUS STUDIES:

(51) In Depth Scholarship Department: “In order to tell you about this religion or belief, I had to do a whole bunch of research, stretching over a long period of time; a week and a half.”

(52) He Had A Dream: “The father of the Protestant Reformation was Martin Luther King.”

(53) I Really Hate It When That Happens: “The freedom of religion is best cuz you ain’t forced to believe in something that you believe is right.”

(54) Profiles In Religious Persistence #2049: “Jesus is the best example of courage. Even though he had it the hardest, he still hung in there.”

(55) Well, That Explains A Lot...: “Today, Utah remains the main place for Morons to worship freely. . .”

DEPARTMENT OF GENERAL LITERARY DERANGEMENT, FLOOR TWO:

(56) I’m Glad To Hear That: “I learned that I am a better person than I who I am being am.”

(57) Are You Sure?: “...you can find it in many books...around here...somewhere...”

(58) The Horror...: “Police and firefighters [were] helping people. That was terrible.”

(59) Uh...What?: “Then in 8th grade, I got on the A [volleyball] team and I was the only white girl. I loved it.”

(60) Limited Experience Department: “It is not only the only Latin piece I have heard, it is the best Latin piece I have heard.”

Great Moments In Marital Bliss #257

Yesterday while in the checkout line at a local sporting goods/gun store, my wife, observing the purchases of others, turned to me and said, "Don't ever buy me a pink gun case...or a pink gun."

Yes Dear.

Advice

Brigid is really good at it, or really bad at it, depending on your point of view.

Day-by-Day Fan?

You may have already seen this posted elsewhere on the 'net, but Chris Muir's excellent online conservative comic strip Day by Day is having it's annual fund-raising drive.

There are various levels of support, and DBD swag to go with it.

So if you're a DBD fan, show Chris a little love... and by love, I mean money.

If you aren't a regular reader, i suggest you go on over and check it out.

You're missing some really good stuff.

Video: BP Spills Coffee

This isn't realistic at all.

Retired Coast Guard Adm. Thad Allen isn't blocking people entering the room who have paper towels, and Barack Obama didn't shank the golf ball Kevin Costner told them to chuck at the spill.

During Immigration Speech, Flying Golden Demon-Snakes Erupt From Obama's Hands

I love the pictures Drudge digs up...

Source.

Obama's Assault Teleprompter Nearly Kills Spectator

Everyone has seen the video of the student Barack Obama bored to sleep during a high school commencement speech. Few knew his droning speech nearly killed a man at the same event.

Clearly, the time has come to ban high-capacity assault teleprompters.

It's National Pet Week

Enjoy your pets...

Olbermann Out on "Countdown"? New Host Named?

As MSNBC's rating continue to plunge and viewers looking for the reassurance of a strong alpha male anchor continue to defect the Rachel Maddow Show, executives at the cable network are looking to replace Countdown host Keith Olbermann with a new host.

Eduard Khil, the perspective replacement for Olbermann, shares the political views championed by the network, and focus groups suggest that Khil articulates his views better than the blustery former ESPN sports anchor.

More info here.

Goosed

New Jersey Evacuates Due to Possible Terrorist Threat

A man acting suspiciously in a Branchburg, NJ Quick Chek convenience store led to the entire state state of New Jersey fleeing overnight after authorities arrested the man on weapons charges and revealed that he was wearing a bullet-proof vest and had in his possession a "grenade launcher," a ".223-caliber assault rifle that had been altered to fire .50-caliber ammunition," with "four loaded magazines with hollow-point ammunition" and a ".308-caliber semi-automatic assault rifle with a defaced serial number."

Police also recovered maps (including one of a military installation), a police scanner, and "Middle Eastern red and white traditional headdress."

The suspect, Lloyd Woodson, 43, was also suspiciously black.

Further reporting by the always excellent staff of ABC News revealed that the grenade launcher weapon of mass destruction was a "37 mm Cobray grenade launcher." The nefarious weapon is described by the company as a "flare launcher" in a blatant attempt to steer the less-informed away from the blatant fact that it looks a lot like 40 mm grenade launchers used in the world's militaries. No 37 mm grenades were recovered and none have apparently ever been manufactured, but authorities have left open the possibility that someone, someday, could make such munitions.

The .50-caliber "customized assault rifle, whose ammunition is typically used in heavy weapons mounted on military vehicles" found on Woodson proves that the suspect is a well-financed terrorist. The heavy weapons mounted on military vehicles chamber the .50 BMG cartridge, the largest bullet in the U.S. military arsenal not considered a cannon or artillery.

For Woodson to conceal the $5,000 weapon—which is in excess of three-feet long and weighs 33 pounds loaded—under a jacket also suggests that Woodson may only appear to be black, and is in fact a far larger species, possibly a Yeti.

The media, always striving for accuracy, immediately discounted the possibility that the Yeti was not armed with a highly-customized rifle-cannon, and insists he was not using an off the shelf drop-in upper assembly of far shorter size and range.

The Joint Terrorism has been called in to investigate the possibility that Woodson is actually a tea-bagging conservative white person, helpfully noting that most Yetis are believed to be white.

Repo Man

Thanks, Dad.

Hitler Slams Obama After Brown Loss: "Bush got Cs. Obama Probably Failed Lunch."

Godwin wept:

Via Instapundit,who highlight some of his favorite lines.

Ohio Man Wanted For Arson, Law-Making

Via Fox8:

Less than 24 hours after the firebombing of the municipal court offices in Mansfield, State, Local and Federal investigators have a suspect they believe is responsible and late Monday were sparing no effort to try and find him.

40-year-old Kevin Dye of Mansfield is wanted for aggravated arson and manufacturing a dangerous ordinance.

Under those same standards, can we get the FBI to move on Capitol Hill and arrest House and Senate Democrats?

(dear editor: the word you were looking for is ordnance)

No Matter Where You Are, Student Drivers Are Dangerous

At least the folks gunning for learner's permits in your town aren't driving tanks.

The "Obama Prayer"

Psalm 109:8

It was sent to me like that via email. Straight up it's pretty amusing, though the larger context of the entire Psalm it is a bit strong to apply to the President... to put it mildly.

Who Nominated Obama For a Nobel Just Nine Days In?

Only the shadow knows...

Too Soon?

From a buddy on my high school football team, via Facebook:

So the Dems want to change the current bill to the Ted Kennedy Memorial Bill.

Does that mean they are going to do what he did with Mary Jo Kopechne?...Do nothing and watch it die??

Blogger's Presidential Aspirations Crushed

Dang.

So much for that Owens-Treacher dream ticket.

Beware Flying Alter Boys

Swiped shamelessly from Rachel Lucas, who got it from AP at Hot Air.

Hostile Takeover

Confidential sources close to the White House have confirmed that President Obama was indeed on Air Force One today as it attempted to land in New York, but the flight was turned away three times by ground fire originating from Bank of America shareholders.

Stimulus Guns

The Multi-Generational Financial Rape Act of 2009 passed in the House of Representatives Friday without a single Republican vote and the loss of seven Democrats, sending the bill to the Senate, where just three turncoats—Susan Collins, Olympia Snowe, and Arlen Specter—could be fooled into voting for a massive spending program no Senator or Congressman has read.

The unexamined legislation forced through Congress with little oversight or review is expected to threaten the nation's credit rating, potentially devalue the dollar, and lead to a spike in inflation not seen since Jimmy Carter's abortive Presidency.

Neophyte President Barack Obama, less than a month into the first professional executive position of his life (the failed chairmanship of the Chicago Annenberg Challenge that wasted tens of millions of educational dollars in attempting Marxist indoctrination was a volunteer position), is poised to sign the Bill on Monday Tuesday (because one simply must have a three-day weekend his third week on the job), adding years to the recession, and increasing violent crime and property crime to levels not seen in decades outside of Chicago public schools.

In light of these bold, decisive, and reckless series of decisions of Congressmen and women more intent on catching their vacation flights than helping theri constituents, many Americans have decided that now is a great time to put money back into certain segments of the economy, spurring a run on shelf-stable foods, water purifiers, subterranean concrete construction, and of course, firearms.

While I don't have the necessary background to help people determine the best brand of freeze-dried ice cream or powdered milk, and my knowledge of the right cement mix to use in do-it-yourself bunkers is very limited, I have spent a considerable amount of my recreational time over the years around firearms and ammunition, including a stint selling guns and ammo for a major sporting goods retailer that rhymes with "Pricks."

Without further ado, here are some select choices, broken down by political affiliation

Guns for Liberals
For the hardcore hope-and-changer, nothing says I HEART OBAMA more than the 10 Exciting Power Squirt, just the kind of item New York Times editorialists gush over when they're gushing about the Great Big O. This Indonesian import is colorful, and is guaranteed to leave you soaked. And while it can't really defend you from anyone or anything, gosh-darn it, it sure looks fun!

For fans of San Fran Nan and her all important junket to Italy, we offer the 8mm Beretta CX4. Made of the same space-age polymers and rigid plastics as our Speaker of the House, this ultra-fabulous design looks capable, but when it goes off, the joke's on you.

And last but not least, the perfect Harry Reid gun is obvious, if lacking spark.

Guns For Obamacons
Not quite liberal, but certainly not conservative, Obamacons want a little power in their hands, even if they don't know what to do with it. Nothing could be more fitting for an Obamacon than the powerful new Taurus revolver, the Judge. A pistol designed to fire a .410 shotgun shell, the Judge is a favorite of Obamacons everywhere. We recommend Obamacons use the Judge with 12-gauge shells. True, that doesn't fit, but they can always try to force it and see how that works out.

For Conservatives, both Democrat and Republican
How many are you willing to sell, and at what profit margin?

Joe Biden to Attend Special Olympics

Admit it. Your lip twitched into a smile when you read that.

Working Stiffs Fluff for Bailout

The economy has brought many industries to their knees, including one line of work that spends a considerable portion of its time there anyway.

Presidential Dance Off

Mild content warning for profanity, but pretty amusing all the same.

A Scene From Saving Private Palin

Caparzo: 'Hey, Mellish, look at this. An Obama Youth knife.'
Mellish: (jokingly) 'And now it's a moose skinner, right?'

This is Your Brain on (D)

(H/t The Crescat via The Anchoress)

A Child of Many Fathers

In all fairness, his mom's first name was Stanley.

(h/t Snapped Shot)

"Opponent Research" Gone Wild

You try to find pictures of one of ours in scandalous beachwear, we'll find one of yours in a mankini.

That's the "Chicago Way."

Update: Connery's character Zed pre-plagiarized Obama in this 1974 film... or perhaps anticipated his campaign's reaction to Palin's wiping him from the news just hours after his coronation in Denver:

Stay behind my aura!

First Sarah Palin Facts

• Unlike Dick Cheney, who shoots small birds with a 28-gauge shotgun, Sarah Palin hunts moose. When she shoots a lawyer, they'll stay down.
• Single-handedly responsible for the booming political "-ILF" industry.
• Husband Todd Palin's name is actually Yup'ik Eskimo for "Russell Crowe."
• Palin's son Track is so tough that when joined the Army it was decided that he will be deployed to Iraq... as an MRAP.
• A, combat pilot John McCain knew how to flew aircraft. A bush pilot, Sarah Palin knows how to land them.
• Unlike Barack Obama, whose basketball skills consist of losing pick-up games, Sarah Palin was a state championship point guard... and won it playing on a broken foot.

Add your own in the comments, and we'll "promote" the best.

Update: I surrender.

Hamas! The Musical

Unable to beat the Israeli Defense Forces via conventional tactics, the crack Hamas Line Dancing Battalion prepares for an achy-breaky cross border raid.

Nagin Endorsement Now Key to Obama Campaign

When you've got to throw this many people under the bus, it's going to take a lot of buses.

We Take Our Leash Laws Seriously

Holly Springs, NC Animal Control & BBQ. Sent in via email.

Silly Question I Know...

...but why was Hillary Clinton campaigning in Mexico?

IowaHawk: Foer's Rough Draft

Did we have a Jayson Blair on our hands--or, closer to home, another Stephen Glass, the fabulist who did so much to tarnish this magazine's reputation ten years ago? Or perhaps another Ruth Shalit, whose plagiarism at this magazine did somewhat less tarnishing 2 years earlier? Or could he be another Lee Siegel, whose 2007 sock puppeting at this magazine resulted another tarnishing, albeit only around 40 on the Glass Tarnish Quotient? One fact was clear: painful experience has taught us at The New Republic to be on the lookout for tarnishings...

Heh. Read the whole thing.

Friday Stupid

I didn't post anything yesterday because I've got separate investigations going on at once that I'm trying to stay on top of, and I have the honor of providing a noted photojournalism expert with material for a photoethics speech he's giving overseas in October.

Since I haven't been giving you real content, here's some "Friday Stupid" to keep you entertained.

Only you can prevent forest fires:

I'll see if I can dig in and provide you with something more substantial (and less drafty) later today.

The Profit of Jihad

Sadly, it wasn't until the very end, as he peered into Paradise, that Safi realized that the Koran was less than specific about his reward...

He was destined to spend his eternity with vegansexuals, and was none to happy about it.

Stop the hate

Some, including the host of this fine weblog, seem to doubt the authenticity of the recent claims made by Scott Thomas Beauchamp. I for one, however, have no doubt Mr. Beauchamp is speaking the "truth" as he knows it.

Conservative webloggers, ace from ace of spades, Bryan and Allahpundit of Hotair, Michelle Malkin and countless others have tried to dispute his claims making wild and baseless accusations. So far they have successfully managed to have all forms of his communication cut off, except for his prestigious weblog, scottthomas.us.

For the life of me, I cannot seem to figure out why these "webloggers" insist on harping on this one pour pitiful soul, who is obviously lost and far from home. Do we doubt General J.C. Christian, the manliest of all conservative "webloggers", when he eviscerates liberals like Bill O'Reilly who are trying to pose as conservatives? Do we doubt the concern tbogg displays so proudly for our conservative brethren? Who could forget the sincerity displayed by Markos Zúniga when he expressed concern for anyone, especially civilian contractors, overseas in Iraq.

Yet, those billing themselves as "conservatives" continue to mock and shame Mr. Beauchamp for trying to shed light on a very difficult situation in Iraq. When Michelle Malkin's commentors revolted and showed support for him did she change her mind? Not even in the slightest. Even though Franklin Foer has launched and investigation and confirmed Mr. Beauchamp's allegations, the mocking continues. I suspect the only comfort Mr. Beauchamp is able to find is in the wanton arms of the ethnically pure women in Germany who keep throwing themselves at him.

To Mr. Beauchamp, I say soldier on. This to shall pass and the "truth" will set you free. Just as we've confirmed that 9/11 was a plot by President Bush and that Karl Rove is using mind control beams to make us all his subjects. Luckily there's a place like this, under the big-tin-foil-tent, to keep us safe from harm.

Blog History Repeating

The first time as tragedy, the second time as farce.

Pelosi: We Support the CANADIAN Troops

From QandO, where they can tell a difference between U.S. and Canadian uniforms.

Hey, it could be worse...

She could have instead used the photo of her meeting with this weak-chinned ophthalmologist, with whom she may not be visiting with any more.

(Via Hot Air), where they note that Democrats have a history of not knowing what our uniforms look like.

Hurry, Before This Land is Completely Sold Out!

For Sale: Prairie Chapel Ranch. 1583 acres, just seven miles northwest of beautiful Crawford, Texas. Seven scenic canyons dot the landscape, and water-lovers will enjoy three miles of frontage along Rainey Creek and the Middle Bosque River. Nature lovers will thrive in the wide open spaces.

The main house is a unique 4,000 sq/ft energy efficient limestone ranch encircled by a impressive ten-foot wide wrap-around porch. Additional quarters include guest houses and Secret Service barracks. Property includes a stocked 11-acre bass pond and large swimming pool. Asking $4,500,000.

Send offers to the email address in the sidebar.

Please note that while the law regards me as an "undocumented owner" of this property, I will graciously accept payment, and I am assured that the present occupant welcomes all "newcomers," regardless of legal contracts or boundary limitations.

The First Immigration Debate

Beware the Crackers.

Tommorrow starts here Todday

I'm thinking whoever typed in the banner had best be looking for a new job todday. 'cause that sppell checker deal, it ain't working out so hot.

Al Qaeda Leaders Declare Iraq War Lost

The Air Force officer running Mind in the Qatar has discovered that because of their string of recent and on-going defeats, al Qaeda Sheikh Reidari has called upon bin Laden remove their terrorists from Iraq:

Following the deaths of both Abu Musab Al-zaqawi and Abu Ayyub al-Masri, the decimation of the ranks of Al Qaeda in Iraq, and the growing unpopularity of foreign insurgents among Iraqis, some senior terrorists affiliated with Al Qaeda have called upon Usama Bin Laden to withdraw all of his troops from Iraq by October.

The war in Iraq "is lost" and Al Qaeda attacks are failing to bring an Islamic state to the country, spokesman of the Salafist Group for Preching and Combat, Harry Sheikh Reidari, said Thursday. "I believe ... that this war is lost, and continuing attacks are not accomplishing anything, as is shown by the extreme blows to our network in Iraq recently," Reidari told journalists. "Iraq has diverted resources from our greater 'War on Freedom'. It would be best if we withdrew, leaving only a small force to train Iraqi jihadists, and redeployed our other forces to Afghanistan to continue with a Holy War that everyone can support."

Other al Qaeda leaders, such as Abu Jonjalali al-Murthab, Rhadami Hillab Clintonijhad, and Waleed Jo Bidenami echoed Reidari's call. Mohammed Dheniz Khalidinich even called for Egyptian Ayman al-Zawahiri, bin Laden's second-in-command, to be ousted:

Additionally, leading Abu Sayyaf Group terrorist Mohammed Dheniz Khalidinich changed that Dr. Ayman al-Zawahiri "purposely manipulated information to deceive the al Qaeda rank and file..." Khalidinich said al-Zawahiri did so "by fabricating the idea the U.S. military forces would fold and run once our jihad against them in Iraq got bloody. But today they are still resisting us and sending even more troops to do so. It is clear now that al-Zawahiri knew that this reaction only would happen with a Democratic American President, and he should have known that Bush would not retreat this way. For this failure, he should be removed from al-Qaeda's leadership."

Somehow, this seems errily familiar...

Ten Fred Thompson Facts

From U.S News & World Report:

1. Fred Thompson has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
2. Fred Thompson once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
3. Fred Thompson has counted to infinity. Twice.
4. Fred Thompson is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
5. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodge ball Fred Thompson played in second grade.
6. When Fred Thompson goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
7. Fred Thompson’s house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
8. When taking the SAT, write "Fred Thompson" for every answer. You will score a 1600.
9. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Fred Thompson. There were no survivors and the pilot episode tape has been burned.
10. Fred Thompson ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

At least I think that is from U.S News & World Report.

I hired Katie Couric's producer as my fact checker, and now I'm not so sure.* *

Under Siege in Idahoistan

Quagmire!

For years, ATV-riding, gun-toting sport shooters have flouted gun laws in part of Idaho's high desert by taking pot shots at ground squirrels and other animals. Now, officials say, they're also setting their sights on National Guard tanks that train in the area.

Rifles and pistols have been banned in a 68,000-acre area of the Snake River Birds of Prey National Conservation Area since 1996.

But the federal Bureau of Land Management is considering expanding the gun-restricted area by 41,000 acres to try to limit shootings at Idaho Army National Guard troops who report slugs bouncing off their tanks on a regular basis.

"There's a segment of the shooting community that will shoot at anything that moves," said John Sullivan, the area's manager.

Faced with inadequate manpower and renegades that won’t respect the rule of law, we must abandon Idaho.

Thee is no word as of yet on whether or not Speaker of the Knessett Nancy Pelosi and Congressman John Murtha have been able to come up with a suitable plan to redeploy the Idaho National Guard.

Pelosi is said to be considering retreating to neighboring Oregon, but is concerned over recent "friendly fire" incidents.

Because of this, Murtha is said to be exploring the option of stationing the Idaho National Guard in Montreal, where a quick reaction force could respond in just one day and 13 hours (at highway driving speeds) to any emergency in Boise.

So While We're Here, Would You Like a Swatch?

Just when we least expected it, the Swiss accidentally invaded Liechtenstein:

What began as a routine training exercise almost ended in an embarrassing diplomatic incident after a company of Swiss soldiers got lost at night and marched into neighboring Liechtenstein.

According to Swiss daily Blick, the 170 infantry soldiers wandered just over a mile across an unmarked border into the tiny principality early Thursday before realizing their mistake and turning back.

A spokesman for the Swiss army confirmed the story but said that there were unlikely to be any serious repercussions for the mistaken invasion.

Swiss Army knives are apparently far better than Swiss Army compasses.

USO After Death

By request from one of our men "over there."

Funny how some things haven't changed in all these years.

Thank You, President Bush

I just filled up my tank for $1.979/ gallon. Finally, the War for Oil is paying off!

Now, if it will just keep going down to the $1.679 a gallon I was paying before the invasion...

Update: That really ought to help those Two Americas we've heard so much about.

You've Got Jmail

click to enlarge

BREAKING: Jamil Hussein Arrested for Filming Saddam's Execution on Cell Phone

Upon reading that headline, AP Executive Editor Kathleen Carroll probably became faint.

Luckily, that was (or should be) just one of many comments in Ace's Cool Facts About Police Captain Jamil Hussein, which now has about 300 comments, and is still growing.

Many of the comments are crude... and I mean very, not-for-your-kids-to-read crude... but many are laugh-out-loud funny.

My favorite (republishable) comments so far:

Jamil Hussein singlehandedly implemented an ISO 9000 Quality Certification program for Halliburton, over the weekend of Dec. 2-3.

His name does not appear in any of the documentation.

Posted by Dave in Texas at January 2, 2007 04:32 PM

In the early 80's, Jamil Hussein and Barak Hussein Obama ran a truckload of Coors from Texarcana to Altlanta in 24 hours for Big Enos and Little Enos.

Posted by Rosetta at January 2, 2007 04:51 PM

when he drinks he is often heard to say"man, I really miss Tenille".

Posted by mark c. at January 2, 2007 05:35 PM

In grade school, Jamil Hussein started a band called "The Netherwind Pipers" as a childish fart-joke.

You've might know them by their current name -- OPEC.

Posted by ObserverAce at January 2, 2007 10:13 PM

Jammies Hussein thinks Margaret Cho is funny; and when he's in the audience, she is.

Posted by MikeB at January 3, 2007 12:17 AM

Head on over and add your own.

Back to the Future

In a photo taken several hours from now, Cindy Sheehan reacts to the death of Saddam Hussein... or news that her month-long supply of Jamba Juice supply may have been tainted.

Your call.

Jamil Hussein Rescued?

Saving lives--even fictional lives--it's just what we do:

BAGHDAD, Iraq Dec 28,2006 (AP) - Just hours after Conservative blogger, Bob Owens expressed concern over the disappearance and fate of Iraqi Police Captain Jamil Hussein, the AP reported that a team of Iraqi police officers found Mr. Hussein inside a closet in a US military barracks, bound and blindfolded with severe lacerations over most of his body. Hussein was apparently beaten by American soldiers and will spend the next several weeks recuperating at his home in Baghdad.

[snip]

Hussein told the Associated Press that he was abducted by a group of US soldiers over a month ago after he personally witnessed them blowing up an Iraqi school bus packed with scores of Iraqi school children. The soldiers, Hussein said, tied him up, blindfolded him and then beat him with lead pipes until he could no longer walk. He was eventually found by Iraqi police officers who quickly rushed him to the AP's main office in Baghdad where he was treated for shock and eventually sent home to recuperate.

According to the AP, Hussein will take a year off from his job as Iraqi police captain to recover from his latest ordeal, but, he'll continue to work part time as a stringer for the AP.

Meanwhile, Hussein said he owes his life to Owens who alerted the AP to look for him.

I'm just glad I could help.

Woodward Scoops Again: Saddam's Embargoed Interview Leaked

In a pre-execution embargoed Bob Woodward interview leaked to Confederate Yankee, Former President of Iraq Saddam Hussein made several shocking confessions, including once having his secret police, the Mukhabarat plot the murder of Maury Povich in hopes of one day possessing Connie Chung.

Saddam also confessed to a strong craving for bran... lots and lots of bran.

More as this develops...

Picture This

As I scored the top two results in this Google search, shouldn't I be getting more traffic?

And tips?

Update: Would probably be about like this.

Proof?

I just a received an email that claims to show photographic proof of the Jamil Hussein/Burning Six story of the Associated Press. Make of it what you will.

Sir,

I must take issue with your attempt to discredit Mr. Jamil Hussein, nonexistent though he may be, regarding his story about six Sunni worshippers who were burned alive outside a bombed mosque. I submit for your review the attached photograph, which clearly shows a Shiite insurgent wielding a gas pump from which spouts fuel that feeds the flames engulfing his Sunni victim. The other five victims, already aflame, are visible in foreground and background amid the rubble of the mosque. My objection to your criticism of Mr. Hussein, however, arises not from your skepticism over his claim that the men in question were actually Sunnis, or were actually burned, or were actually alive once, or were dead later, or that the attackers who did or did not do the burning were or were not Shiites, or that they did or did not burn the Sunnis who were or were not burned; indeed, I recognize all of these to be points over which reasonable people can in good faith disagree.

(click to enlarge)

Rather, I find it alarming that you fail to fail to reveal the truth that underlies this incident, if it happened: clearly, Mr. Hussein was coerced by U.S. and Israeli agents into suppressing his knowledge that the supposed Shiite incendiary insurgent in the photograph is actually a Mossad operative. In light of this fact, Mr. Hussein's pretended existence is obviously a cover designed to disguise his non-identity and avoid reprisals from the Vast Right Wing Conspirators who blew up the World Trade Center in the mistaken belief that it was actually the United Nations building.

By revealing that Mr. Hussein is not truly Jamil Hussein, but is another non-existent person of a different name, you have "outed" him, making him vulnerable to attack by the same American Jewish interests that used Valerie Plame to attack Karl Rove in order to punish Bush for his too-tepid support for the establishment of a Hebrew-only language policy in the Jew-occupied territories stretching from Brooklyn to Ethiopia. As you know, the Hasidim of Flatbush* oppose the use of Hebrew, instead preferring to use Yiddish in order to hasten the arrival of the Messiah. As this extremist party sees the outbreak of Total War between Jews and Muslims as a precursor to the divine visitation, they surely will not take kindly to Mr. Hussein's deceptions on behalf of liberal Israeli accommodationists. The accommodationists - including the aggressor in the photograph - pose as apostate Jews (though many are actually Christian Phalangist moles), and are known to be inflaming sectarian violence in Iraq. They hope that if things get nasty enough, the U.N. will step in and resolve the conflict before Iran gains dominance. They calculate that an ascendant, nuclear capable Iran would need to surrender unconditionally to Israel in order to restrain itself from launching a pre-emptive nuclear strike on Jerusalem and Tel Aviv that would, in fact, hasten the arrival of the Messiah.

In sum, you, sir, have made it impossible for the person who Mr. Hussein is not to do his work with impunity. By revealing that Mr. Hussein does not exist, you have placed him in mortal danger at the hands of deathmongering moderate Jewish Israelis and Americans whose counterespionage protocols call for the death or subjugation of all non-existent persons.

I hope you're happy.

Cordially,
Jamal Hussein (no relation)
Sandy, Utah, USA

P.S., Should you find yourself needing legal representation over this matter, I kindly refer you to my esteemed associate Ramzi al-Clarkstein Baker'sman McCarterGates. He's not Jewish, but he's still a decent lawyer.

*Note: "FlatBUSH" - mere coincidence?

I'm not certain if Mr. Hussein's claims are accurate, but his explanation sounds every bit as credible as what the Associated Press has offered up as evidence so far.

Researcher Quits Over the Dumbest Book Ever Written About the Bush Administration

Protesting Frank J. Fleming's controversial new book on the President—with the provocative title, "The Chronicles of Dubya Volume 1: The Defeat of Saddam" —Dr. Frank Stein resigned this week from the Fleming Center. Stein had co-authored a previous book on the Middle East with Fleming, had been affiliated with the Center for 3 years, and in many ways was Fleming's "brain" on Dubya for years.

Stein writes in a letter explaining his resignation that Fleming's new book is "replete with factual errors, copied materials not cited, superficialities, glaring omissions, and simply invented segments. Aside from the one-sided nature of the book, meant to provoke, there are recollections cited from meetings where I was the third person in the room, and my notes of those meetings show little similarity to points claimed in the book. In due course, I shall detail these points and reflect on their origins." *

When contacted to respond, Fleming's office stated he was attempting to arrange a meeting between former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld and former President Jimmy Carter, and that he was presently unavailable for comment.

What Do Muslims Have in Common With Democrats?

Even death does not stop people from converting:

Shahin of the Tucson Islamic Center said more than 1,200 Muslims died in the World Trade Center catastrophe, and no genuine member of Islam would do such a thing.

So, almost half of those killed in New York on 9/11 were Muslims? Neat trick, since Muslims are just 0.6% of the U.S. population.

Oh, and Omar Shahin, the idiot that uttered this? He was one of the six imams booted from a flight at Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport last night.

Praise be to Allah.

A Belated Pre-Election Message From Osama bin Laden

Dammit.

Pardon my Farsi.

I tried to deliver my traditional pre-election fatwa message weeks ago, but Predators keep blasting missiles into every video-laden donkey that leaves the cave, and the jackass meat covering the mountainside is starting to smell like an ACORN voter drive. Or Michael Moore.

I'm even reduced to wearing last election's campaign buttons.

Nevertheless, as Allah (PBUH) wills it, I have been able to highjack an evil Jew-lover's neo-con blog (at least until the generator runs out of gas again) and I will use it to pronounce the glorious message of al Qaeda:

VOTE DEMOCRAT.

I and my fellow freedom fighters demand this of you, and you will comply.

The American people should bow to fate and accept the glorious defeat that Allah (PBUH) and the Democratic Party have planned for you.

If you do this thing, we shall promise to kill you last, after the Jews, the homosexuals, the uncovered women, the idiot america soldiers, the Christians, atheists, the cast of The View, and the French.

It is only after you do this thing that you will be at peace with al Qaeda... for now.

Well, that, and you must avoid tall buildings, crowded public areas like stories and malls and the stadiums where men in helmets slap each other's fannies after tackling one another (disgusting), the walmart, excetera.

Stay in your home or mosque, and all will be forgiven until the end.

Also, Thank you Senator Kennedy for the talking points.

We will behead you last of all of the infidels.

Cheney Hunting For Office.

Via Fox News:

U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney will spend Election Day Tuesday on his first hunting trip since he accidentally shot a companion last February while aiming at a covey of quail on a private Texas ranch.

The vice president, after working at the White House on Monday morning, will head to South Dakota to spend several days at a private hunting lodge near Pierre. Lea Anne McBride, his press secretary, said it was an annual hunting outing and said Cheney spent Election Day in 2002 at the same lodge.

You might think Cheney is attempting to get out of the limelight until the '06 election cycle is over by heading afield with his custom 28-gauge Perazzi shotgun, but it could be that he is instead laying the groundwork for his '08 Presidential campaign.

Another "Botched Joke"

After the apparently unedited video of John Kerry's bashing of the intelligence of the American military was revealed to have mirrored comments that he made to an anti-war group in 1972, leading Democrats such as Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean, New York Senator Charles Schumer, and Congressional Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi joined a growing chorus of prominent Democrats that called for the disgraced Massachusetts Democrat to resign his seat in the United States Senate.*

"Our brave men and women in Uniform deserve our unerring support, whatever their mission," said Dean. "By slandering the intelligence and commitment of our Armed Forces, John Kerry has besmirched the honor of all Americans that appreciate the honor, integrity and intelligence of our men and women in uniform."

Said Schumer, "We have all known for a long time that our nations' military consistently attracts our best and brightest. This latest slight by Kerry against our soldiers is not his first, but it should be his last as a public servant."

In an interview aired on CNN, Pelosi added, "I have always supported those brave souls who feel called to defend this great nation. Any attacks leveled against them, even in jest, are unacceptable."

"John Kerry, it seems, is the "botched joke" that is no longer needed in a patriotic and military friendly Democratic Party."

Grass roots Democratic activists have also voiced their displeasure with Senator Kerry, and have started a petition drive to demand his ouster.

* As if you couldn't tell this was satire...

Bushitler Signs Pro-Torture Bill, Opens Concentration Camps in Pasadena

President Bush signed important pro-torture legislation into law today according to top liberal blogs, opening the floodgates of totalitarianism and completing America’s rapid descent from a land of unrivaled prosperity and freedom into a police state exactly like Iraq under Saddam Hussein's benevolent rule.

"You know, I just love wiping my backside with the Constitution," said the President and newly crowned Emperor for Life. "It’s a great day to be alive... as long as you aren’t a hippie, or a terrorist." When approached for comment by the White House Press Corps, White House Spokesman Tony Snow gleefully referred reporters down a dark hallway, where muffled gunshots were later heard.

The House Republican leadership which helped push through the landmark legislation completing the destruction of America’s civil liberties, left the signing ceremony to join Vice President Cheney. Cheney was rumored to be hunting captured ACLU lawyers on a private game preserve near Lubbock, TX.

California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger celebrated by gassing thousands of marsh hippies south of Bakersfield, and Republican strategist KKKarl Rove set off the opening salvo in a barrage of high explosive artillery shells that leveled Columbia University.

Starbucks around the nation are currently under siege, and free thought has now been assigned a cost of $29.95, payable directly to the Republican National Committee.

Howard Dean, currently cowering under Glenn Greenwald's couch in Brazil, could not be reached for comment.

Update: Rev up the "wah" meter. The Daou Report just liked, ensuring us a long line of whiny hippies telling us precisely why using non-invasive interrogation techniques that cause no lasting damage makes the United States exactly like China under Mao, or Russia under Stalin, or Cuba under Castro… which is kinda weird, since they tend to like those guys.

Oh, well, we'll have them IP tracked and interred by the end of the day. Isn’t that right "madmatt," or as we will refer to you from now on, "70.230.8.210"?

Do not move from your location near Highway 24 North and Bingham Farms in Franklin, MI. Agents will be there soon.

THE BUSHCO JUNTA NEVER SLEEPS!

There's a MF Hamster on the MF Plane!

Are they with us, or with the terrorists?

The Democratic Plan for Dealing With Islamic Terrorism

They do make burqas for livestock, don't they?

Lost In Translation

I know that some fanatics certainly seem to get off on it, but is calling jihad "the hump of Islam" really what they meant to convey?

"Snip the red wire. But first..."

Perhaps I'm simply confused as to the best way to dispose of unexploded ordnance, but is tipping an unexploded artillery shell forward, apparently up on its fuse, as this Lebanese soldier does, the smartest way to proceed?

Update: In the comments, my favorite ordnance expert says this soldier is not as dumb as he looks:

The thing has already functioned. And even if it is an ICM projectile, fuze function and dispensing, vice range-to-impact, means he's probably nowhere near where the cargo was ejected, either.

In other words, the Associated Press was dead wrong when they called this an "unexploded shell" in their caption to this photo.

Shocking, I know.

Concrete Proof

In the comments of this post, Ronald Lewis, an experienced bomb damage assessment expert with 20 years of experience, states, in part (my bold):

...The nature of the hole in the roof of the Reuters vehicles is inconsistent with penetration by shrapnel. There would be more than one hole, a larger one surrounded by many smaller ones. This single hole, its shape and the initial gray color of the damage area are more consistent with a vehicle struck by a large piece of masonry striking the top of the vehicle at high velocity, possibly dislodged by a rocket blast. It is clear that the vehicle, itself, was not struck by missiles or rockets...

Mr Lewis is not the only expert to reach a similar conclusion.

Both of the armored vehicle manufacturers I corresponded with yesterday agreed that an explosive probably did not cause the damage shown on the Reuters vehicle. Old Soldier, a retired Master Army Aviator helicopter and fixed-wing test pilot also remarked based upon his 31-years experience that the damage may have been caused by (my bold):

... [a] chunk of flying concrete debris from a larger explosion (say perhaps a HELLFIRE or artillery round hitting a building nearby).

There are, of course, conflicting ideas that very may well be valid. Photo analysis alone does not seem capable of resolving this issue with any degree of certainty in the blogosphere, which is why it is quite disappointing that the professional media refuses to investigate what may have occurred.

I have one more email floating out there to an expert that might be able to shed a little more light on this incident, but as time passes, it appears that they are unlikely to return comment. The simple fact of the matter is that without a close-up inspection of the vehicle by recognized experts and perhaps metallurgical tests on any shrapnel that can be verified as being recovered from the victims and the vehicle, we may never know exactly what transpired.

I could not resist my sillier side, however, and present to you an artist's conception of the helicopter that carried out the attack.

Barring any late-breaking developments, I think this story is pretty much done.

Babe

Michelle Malkin digs up a picture of a young Helen Thomas.

Smokin'.

Navy Recovers North Korean Missile Nearly Intact

While the word community is in an uproar over how to respond to North Korea's firing of multiple missiles yesterday and today, deepwater U.S. Navy salvage operations in the Sea of Japan have already located and brought to the surface one of the missiles fired.

It was missing only the nosecone and plastic parachute.

Mount Misery Mind Games

Liberal blogger Glenn Greenwald is having a grand old time pointing fingers at some conservative bloggers who blasted the New York Times from running a fairly detailed puff piece about the St. Michaels, MD area that is home to Vice President Dick Cheney and Secretary of Defense Don Rumsfeld:

As I documented at length this weekend, Michelle Malkin, John Hinderaker, Red State, David Horowitz and many others of that sort spent the weekend engaged in the most vicious and self-evidently misguided attacks on The New York Times based on a puff piece in this weekend's "Escapes" section. Because the article contained a photograph of Don Rumsfeld's vacation home, they insisted that this was reckless and even retaliatory-- i.e., done with the intent to enable Al Qaeda operatives and other assassins to murder Rumsfeld (as well as Dick Cheney), and that it was further evidence of the war being waged by the NYT and its employees on the Bush administration and the U.S.

For so many obvious reasons, based on easily obtainable information -- including the fact that multiple right-wing news outlets such as NewsMax and Fox and others had previously disclosed this same information months earlier, that this information is commonly reported about government leaders in both parties, and the fact that we always know where our top government officials live and spend their weekends because they have Secret Service protection -- these accusations were as false as they were hysterical.

And let's face it—Greenwald knows hysterical, so I bow to his expertise. Unfortunately, I was too busy moving into my own country estate this weekend to comment at the time, but I still have some Monday morning quarterbacking to do all the same.

A large part of the controversy seems to revolve around the fact that Times artile not only spoke of the two homes, it actually provided a partial picture of the Rumsfeld home "Mount Misery" as shot from the street.

Here it is a bit closer, magnified as much as the JPG format will allow.

It is interesting to see how the house has changed over time. The photo of the home below was take back when Mount Misery was a bed and breakfast.

Here it is a bit closer, once again magnified as much as the JPG format will allow.

Interesting how things change over time, isn't it? The red brick Rumsfeld home (top photo) has taken on a new window over the front door since its days as a B&B (below).

Certainly, red brick federal homes all certainly look an aweful lot a like... you don't think that the Rumsfeld's might have used a "decoy house" to prevent the Times from revealing more "classified information," do you?

NYT Announces Formation of Shadow Government

Heh:

In a move experts said was expected for months, New York Times executive editor Bill Keller today announced the formation of a shadow government for the US, effective immediately.

"The power that we have taken is not something to be taken lightly," said Keller. "The responsibility of it weighs most heavily on us and is among the most agonizing decisions I've faced as an editor."

Times' publisher "Pinch" Sulzberger was named shadow President, but was said to be disappointed that he wasn't named shadow Prime Minister.

In My Mind, I'm Gone To Carolina

I'm against using the entire state, but we could certainly slip them into Chapel Hill without anyone noticing. *

Disaster Plan (Bumped)

According to Fox News, New Orleans has begun a hurricane evacuation drill.

So far, I'm not that impressed.

4/24 Update (via Drudge): and it seems that things are even worst than first thought. A mock evacuation was cancelled because no one could figure out who was responsible for evacuating FEMA's largest trailer park in Louisiana.

And here's the really bad news (my bold):

Last year, as Hurricane Katrina approached, thousands of New Orleans' poor were left behind because they had no transportation, could not afford to leave or did not know where to go. The Louisiana Superdome and the convention center became shelters of last resort where thousands sweltered for days, suffering through shortages of food and water.

Mayor Ray Nagin has said there will be no shelters in the city this time.

The authorities can't figure out how to evacuate you, and there will be no central shelters to retreat to.

Sleep tight, New Orleans.

Too Little, Too Late

A picture is worth a thousand words. Look closely:

I don't know who Georgia Retos is, but if the crowd on the right is in Peabody, Massachusetts, President Bush's call to put the National Guard on the border (left) is far too late.*

* the "Peabody" picture is a mistake from the Fox News web team. It actually belongs to the Brazilian gang story (bottom left).

Just What We Needed

Zombie. Robot. Terrorists. Thanks, Brendan.

Murtha, Sheehan Meet with Generals

Or at least that is what I expected when I saw this headline.

Two Birds

White House Advisor Karl Rove's shrewd move back into matters purely political may have already stuck gold for the GOP, as President Bush announced a new Administration campaign designed to ease pressure on the nation's oil supply while preserving its supply of illegal alien labor.

President Bush estimates the amount of oil required for a short term visa.

Under the new "Oil for Amnesty" plan, otherwise illegal aliens from Mexico and other oil-rich Central and South American countries would be granted temporary visas, the length of which would be directly tied to the amount of oil they are able to bring with them from their home countries.

Following the official announcement, Mexican President Vincente Fox was among the first to take advantage of the program.

Oil prices fell immediately after Bush's speech.

Note: For real gas news see that Pain in the Gas Jason Smith at Texas Rainmaker.

"Bush Shuffle" Continues

In a week that saw White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan resign and Presidential advisor Karl Rove move away from a policy role, it appears that the biggest, and most surprising shakeup is Vice President Dick Cheney's bid to become a candidate for the next opening on the Supreme Court.

Cheney's none-too-subtle bid * mirrors that of sitting Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginburg.

Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice * is also thought to be angling for a SCOTUS nomination should a fourth Justice retire during the Bush Presidency.

Update: Dan says, "Hu's On First?"

Bush Annexes Mexico In Surprise Oval Office Ceremony

In a move anticipated by Instapundit blogger Glenn Reynolds last night, (now former) Mexican President Vicente Fox signed over sovereignty of Mexico to American President George W. Bush this morning in Washington, D.C.

Citing rampant corruption within his own government, poor economic planning and internal development under his regime that has left Mexico bereft of a middle class, Fox said, "it is the only right thing to do for the Mexican people. Generations of Mexican government has proven we have no business running a country."

"At this time, 12 million Mexicans are already taking advantage of the American economy and have developed a taste for American services. It seems only fair to extend the rights of America to the rest of my former country."

While a beaming Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld was present for the impromptu and hastily prepared signing, the Administration firmly rebuked charges made by anonymous sources that Rumsfeld had threatened an "undocumented redeployment" of America military forces to secure Fox's signature.

Upon hearing of the historic agreement, Colorado Congressman Tom Tancredo hastily called for the construction of a border wall separating the new American States of Chaipas, Campeche, and Quintanta Roo from illegal aliens infiltrating from Belize and Guatemala.

President Bush reassured Tancredo that existing immigration laws between the former Mexican States and it's two southern neighbors would "remain the same" as they were under Mexico's immigration laws. This means future illegal aliens would not have rights to public political discourse, certain basic property rights, equal employment rights, and that illegal immigrants may be expelled for any reason. Tancredo was said to be satisfied.

Halliburton could not be reached for comment.

Dixie Check

Natalie Maines, this one's for you (Via Instapundit).

This Cult Smells Fishy...

According to Michelle Malkin, British Muslims are carping about a pair of fish they claim are inscribed with the names of Allah and Mohammed, calling it a miracle. Frightening as it all may seem, this "miracle" just goes to reinforce the truth of the being they once called the Arafish.

Certain dhimmi liberals of course, are falling for this hook, line and sinker, and are all too willing to pander to fish-fascinated fanatics here in the United States.

Some are willing to praise the Allah fish:

Some are so intent on capturing votes that they are willing to go the extra mile to look like the Allah fish:

Not surprisingly, they're all famous bottom feeders, doncha know.

Runaway Dems

In this modern age of on-demand printing, it takes almost no time at all before current events can be turned into a book.

This one is about Russ Feingold's attempt to censure President Bush without his own party's apparent knowledge.

.

Tarheel Jeep Jihad

Among the details starting to emerge surrounding Mohammed Reza Taheriazar's attempted Jeep Jihad at the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill, is the realization that Taheriazar was not old enough to rent the SUV (Sharia Utility Vehicle*) used in the attack according the rental company's own internal policies.

The company forbids renting SUVs to anyone under the age of 25 for insurance purposes, and Taheriazar had to have an accomplice over the age of 25 to sign for the vehicle as the primary driver. Because of the close relationship between Confederate Yankee and the company in question, I was able to examine copies of the rental paperwork before it was turned over to authorities.

The name of Taheriazar's accomplice?

Jimmy Carter.

* h/t Bill H at Ace's for the turn of phrase.

Cheney - Perazzi '08

Now this is a poltical campaign sure to start with a bang.

Update: Not a campaign ad.

Brokeback Fountain

It was an illicit love... of water.

Sorry.

Once the pun comes, it has to be released... and hey, if you don't like that, there's always Brokeback to the Future that has been making the rounds.

War On Terror Forfeited

Pakistani doctors, still fuming over controversial Dutch cartoons showing the Prophet Mohammed, have sworn off using European drugs:

The Pakistan Medical Association has vowed not to prescribe medicines from firms based in some European countries where controversial cartoons portraying the Prophet Mohammed were published, said Shahid Rao, the body's general secretary for Punjab province.

The association will boycott drugs from Denmark, Norway, Switzerland, Germany and France to protest the 'blasphemous' drawings, Rao said.

Spokesmen for al Qaeda announced that the terror organization has also joined in the boycott, and will no longer use small arms, explosives, "or any other device" of either western design or manufacture.

Shortly after the announcement, an estimated 40 insurgents armed only with shebriya daggers ambushed 3 Iraqi policemen armed with AK-47 rifles.

In accordance with Muslim tradition, all 40 insurgents will be buried within 24 hours.

In Baghdad, Iraqi government officials who said police and military units will not be participating in the arms boycott, said they expected the insurgency to be wrapped up by. "dinnertime, next Thursday, God willing."

(h/t Michelle Malkin for the medical story)

Silence of the Cankles

The last time I say this face was after hearing the words:

A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti... Fly back to school, little Starling.

h/t Instapundit

Escape and Evade

I received this via email today.

Hillary Clinton (D-NY) has already started her 2008 presidential campaign by aligning herself with the military and pretending to be tough on terror. Fortunately, the ultra-liberal Hillary has yet to brainwash all of the voting public in to believing that her symbolism is really substance. Many have never forgotten that when she was co-president for eight years she was quoted as saying: " I loathe the military."

It was captioned:

The picture shows that this soldier has been thru Survival School and learned his lessons well. He's giving the sign of "coercion" with his left hand. These hand signs are taught in survival school to be used by POW's as a method of posing messages back to our intelligence services who may view the photo or video. This guy was obviously being coerced into shaking hands with Hillary Clinton. It's ironic how little she knew that he would so inform us about the photo---perhaps because she's never understood our military to begin with.

By the way, save yourself the trouble of searching for photos of Senator Clinton with John McCain. I already checked.

(h/t Old Soldier)

Update: Am I the last person to see this? Well, while we're sorta on the subject. (h/t Phin)

File this under, "We would if we could."

"New Jersey: Come See For Yourself."

"When it comes to its image, New Jersey really cares," Gov. Richard J. Codey said. "Our catch phrase should hint at our true beauty."

Mission accomplished.

Personally, I liked, "New Jersey: Most of Our Elected Officials Have Not Been Indicted."

For the time being, it's even true.

Hillary's Heroes

Starbucks Bomber Sought

Via Fox News, it looks like someone is brewing for a fight:

Police defused an explosive device found in the bathroom of a Starbucks on Monday. No one was injured.

Authorities were called around 1:15 p.m., after an employee reported finding something suspicious in the store's bathroom. About 100 people were evacuated from the store and apartments above it, and the street was closed to traffic, said Sgt. Neville Gittens...

...In 2003, police said the windows of 17 Starbucks stores were clouded with glue and some of the door locks were jammed. Vandals also posted phony notices purporting to be from Starbucks management announcing the company's intention to abandon some of their San Francisco stores to make room for more locally owned coffee houses.

This appears to be another escalation of the Coffee Wars in which so many lives have been lost, as bean-related violence seems poised to spin madly out of control.

San Francisco authorities are said to be looking for these suspects seen just outside the targeted Starbucks just minutes before the bomb was discovered.

If these suspects are spotted, do not approach them, but instead please call the San Francisco Police Department, or contact them on the set of their latest movie.

A THIRD Surveillance Scandal

First there was the Bush Executive Order to have the NSA intercept messages outside the country to and from the terrorists that upset liberals. Then the NEST surveillance of predominately Muslims sites for dirty bombs which made them livid.

And then there is this, perhaps the most intrusive surveillance of all.

The ACLU will not be happy.

Belay that Model!

Drudge reports:

Scientists: Earth's Magnetic Pole Drifting Quickly...

All I could think of was putting a line on Aleksandra Matuszak. You don't want such magnetic Poles drifting away...

Update: Turns out that if you actually click on the link that they were talking about another kind of cold weather beauty drifting away.

Who knew?

He Was Sick As A Parrot?

Tom Elia has a quite amusing find: a British Embassy "Hooligan to German" phrase dictionary created just in time for the World Cup.

It includes such gems as:

"Ihm war kotzuebel" (He was sick as a parrot) and;
"Er kotzte wie ein Reiher" (He puked his guts up)

See my friends at The New Editor for the rest.

There is a downloadable PDF.

As a side note, I was a fairly formidable striker in my playing days, with a rather wicked Bananenschuss before my knees went south...

Go For The Gift Baskets, Stay For The Child Abuse

Blogging has been a little lighter than usual over the past few days, largely due to Yankee Wife's dragging me into her involvement with our daughter's PTA and the elementary school's winter festival.

Yankee Wife got snared into being a "PTA liaison." Liaison" is a French word meaning "sucker."

Her responsibility as liaison was to coordinate with the teacher and other parents to create a "wonderful and unique" gift basket to be raffled off the night of the winter festival at the school, which for our purposes will remain nameless to protect the innocent and the soon to be acquitted.

This "wonderful and unique" gift basket raffle was to occur at the end of the night.

Well sports fans, after binging on candy and other sweets awarded as prizes during the first two hours, several hundred elementary-aged children were as twitchy and skittish as a gerbil in Richard Gere's house.

Naturally, the thing to do was herd the glucose-crazed mob of 5-7 year-olds into a cramped cafeteria and ask them to sit quietly with their parents as the assistant principal announced that at 7:30, they would begin the raffle of not one, not two, but forty-four "wonderful and unique" gift baskets.

Thanks to the excellent sadism of Vice Principal Mengele, the first gift basket actually got raffled at around 7:45, at a time when a lot of these kids are normally starting to wind down for the night. Now we had several hundred sleepy, whining sugar-addicts crammed into a small, increasingly warm cafeteria with tired, cranky parents that came straight to the school from a long, hard day of work, most after having to deal with an hour of brutal traffic.

The ambush was about to be sprung.

I don't know exactly when it happened... perhaps around the raffling of the "Pampered Mom" basket, or somewhere there about... but it was like an earthen damn giving way.

A trickle of flopping on the floor was countered with a stern, whispered warning, followed by a cascade of running around and jumping on seats and clenched-teethed "get over here NOWs."

Then, like a pistol shot, somewhere in the vicinity of the "Everything Duke Blue Devils" Basket, the first smack and whimper rang out. The slaughter began in earnest.

Custer, as he fell at the Little Big Horn, pierced by indian arrows, never faced such horrific screams, nor such exquisite carnage. By the time the vice principal read the winning ticket for "Death by Chocolate," it was clear that it had already occurred…

Unclaimed baskets piled up as victims and survivors limped or were dragged through the side exits and off the field of battle where so many had fallen.

As they neared the end of the evening's bloodbath, the Sportsman's Package lay unattended and unguarded. I made my move, and claimed the prize uncontested.

My daughter slumped over in a near-diabetic coma as her mother strapped her into her booster seat as I made room in the trunk for my new fishing tackle.

To the victor goes the spoils.

I can hardly wait until next year.

"I Can't Believe It's Not Qatar!"

Even when a psychotic break during courtroom proceedings left an obviously disturbed Saddam Husseim shouting,"Allah Allah Oxen Free!" at the top of his lungs while holding a copy of the Quran for Dummies, he was stil viewed as being more credible than his defense adviser, former U.S. Attorney General Ramsey Clark. *

Ted Kennedy's Spirited Moment

Via Reuters and Yahoo!:

Senator Edward Kennedy (D-MA) (R) meets with Irish Foreign Minister Dermot Ahern before their meeting on Capitol Hill in Washington December 1, 2005. The meeting was on the McCain-Kennedy plan for immigration reform and the peace process in Northern Ireland.

It is good to see Senator Kennedy, Foreign Minister Ahern, and the Rueters photographer could all enjoy the "spirit" of the occasion, which judging by this photo, must have been Bushmills.

Beware the Fordjahadeen!

Nancy Pelosi must be putting her finishing touches on her speech declaring that we should unilaterally withdraw from Detroit.

Cashin' In

Sorry folks, but I'm selling out. I've just found a new business partner via an email he promised he sent only to me, and well, you can read the rest...

I Dr. Kofi Annan, Secretary-General of the United Nations, would like to ask your partnership in reprofilling funds over $250m in excess, the funds would be coming via a string of selected banks in Europe and Asia.

The Funds in question were generated by me during the oil for food program in Iraq.

I have been getting scandals/ controversy in this regards, you can read more on the links below-

http://www.wsws.org/articles/2005/apr2005/anna-a05.shtml

http://www.canadafreepress.com/2003/main042803.htm

You would be paid 5% as your management fee. Please do not write back directly to me via my official email address. All further correspondence should be sent to my private mail box (kofiannan4un@walla.com). As soon as you indicate your interest I will give further details.

Remember to treat this mail and transaction as strictly confidential.

I will await your urgent correspondence via my private mail box-

Dr.Kofi Annan.

SECRETARY- GENERAL

kofiannan@un.org

www.un.org

Try not to miss me when I'm gone, okay?

Be an Animal In Bed

The Llama Sutra

Heh.

al-Zawahiri: Annotated & Unhinged

Overall al Qaeda #2 man Ayman al-Zawahiri sent a letter to al Qaeda in Iraq leader Abu Musab al Zaqawi, a letter that was intercepted by coalition forces. That letter hasnow been made public. Download the entire letter al-Zawahiri letter here, or read the conveniently annotated version below.

In the name of God, praise be to God, and praise and blessings be upon the Messenger of God, his family, his Companions, and all those who follow him. .................................

The gracious brother/Abu Musab, God protect him and watch over him, may His religion, and His Book and the Sunna of His Prophet @ aid him, I ask the Almighty that he bless him, us, and all Muslims, with His divine aid, His clear victory, and His release from suffering be close at hand. Likewise, I ask the Almighty to gather us as He sees fit from the glory of this world and the prize of the hereafter.

1-Dear brother, God Almighty knows how much I miss meeting with you, how much I long to join you in your historic battle against the greatest of criminals and apostates in the heart of the Islamic world, the field where epic and major battles in the history of
Islam were fought. I think that if I could find a way to you, I would not delay a day,
God willing.

[I know if I left the cave, the Americans and Pakistanis would light me up like an infidel Christmas tree.

2-My dear brother, we are following your news, despite the difficulty and hardship. We
received your last published message sent to Sheikh Usama Bin Ladin, God save him.
Likewise, I made sure in my last speech-that Aljazeera broadcast Saturday, 11 Jumadi I,
1426h, 18 June 2005-to mention you, send you greetings, and show support and thanks for the heroic acts you are performing in defense of Islam and the Muslims, but I do not
know what Aljazeera broadcast. Did this part appear or not? I will try to attach the
full speech with this message, conditions permitting.

Likewise, I showed my support for your noble initiative to join with your brothers,
during a prior speech I sent to the brothers a number of months ago, but the brothers'
circumstances prevented its publication.

[Infidels once again captured my messengers before the could carry out their mission]

3-I want to reassure you about our situation. The summer started hot with operations
escalating in Afghanistan. The enemy struck a blow against us with the arrest of Abu
al-Faraj, may God break his bonds. However, no Arab brother was arrested because of
him. The brothers tried-and were successful to a great degree-to contain the fall of
Abu al-Faraj as much as they could.

[For a change, the capture of al-Faraj did not lead to the capture of his entire cell. You could learn from this. Ha-ha.]

However, the real danger comes from the agent Pakistani army that is carrying out
operations in the tribal areas looking for mujahedeen.

[They're on us like a fat kid on a pork chop]

4-I want to keep corresponding with you about the details of what is going on in dear
Iraq, especially since we do not know the full truth as you know it.

[It's hard to get good television reception this far underground, so no Olbermann for us]

Therefore, I want you to explain to me your situation in a little detail, especially in regards to the political angle. I want you to express to me what is on your mind in regards to what is in my mind in the way of questions and inquiries.

[Beheadings? Car-bombing civilians? Beheadings? Dude, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?]

A-I want to be the first to congratulate you for what God has blessed you with in terms
of fighting battle in the heart of the Islamic world, which was formerly the field for
major battles in Islam's history, and what is now the place for the greatest battle of
Islam in this era, and what will happen, according to what appeared in the Hadiths of
the Messenger of God @ about the epic battles between Islam and atheism. It has always
been my belief that the victory of Islam will never take place until a Muslim state is
established in the manner of the Prophet in the heart of the Islamic world, specifically
in the Levant, Egypt, and the neighboring states of the Peninsula and Iraq; however, the
center would be in the Levant and Egypt. This is my opinion, which I do not preach as
infallibile, but I have reviewed historical events and the behavior of the enemies of
Islam themselves, and they did not establish Israel in this triangle surrounded by Egypt
and Syria and overlooking the Hijaz except for their own interests.

[I've got free time galore]

As for the battles that are going on in the far-flung regions of the Islamic world, such
as Chechnya, Afghanistan, Kashmir, and Bosnia, they are just the groundwork and the
vanguard for the major battles which have begun in the heart of the Islamic world. We
ask God that He send down his victory upon us that he promised to his faithful
worshipers.

[‘cause right now, we're getting spanked.]

It is strange that the Arab nationalists also have, despite their avoidance of Islamic
practice, come to comprehend the great importance of this province. It is like a bird
whose wings are Egypt and Syria, and whose heart is Palestine. They have come to
comprehend the goal of planting Israel in this region, and they are not misled in this,
rather they have admitted their ignorance of the religious nature of this conflict.

What I mean is that God has blessed you and your brothers while many of the Muslim
mujahedeen have longed for that blessing, and that is Jihad in the heart of the Islamic
world. He has, in addition to that, granted you superiority over the idolatrous
infidels, traitorous apostates, and those turncoat deviants.

[“superiority,� being defined as the ability to reach paradise in an ever-more-expedited manner]

This is what God Almighty has distinguished you and your brothers with over the
mujahedeen before you who fought in the heart of the Islamic world, and in Egypt and
Syria to be precise, but this splendor and superiority against the enemies of Islam was
not ordained for them.

God also blessed you not only with the splendor of the spearhead of Jihad, but with the
splendor as well of the doctrines of monotheism, the rejection of polytheism, and
avoidance of the tenets of the secularists and detractors and inferiors, the call to the
pure way of the Prophet, and the sublime goal that the Prophet @ left to his companions
{. This is a blessing on top of blessing on top of blessing which obliges you and your
noble brothers to be constantly thankful and full of praise. The Almighty said: (If ye
are grateful, He is pleased with you) and the Almighty says: (If ye are grateful, I will
add more unto you.)

B-Because of this, we are extremely concerned, as are the mujahedeen and all sincere
Muslims, about your Jihad and your heroic acts until you reach its intended goal.
You know well that purity of faith and the correct way of living are not connected
necessarily to success in the field unless you take into consideration the reasons and
practices which events are guided by. For the grandson of the Prophet Imam al Hussein
Bin Ali }, the Leader of the Faithful Abdallah Bin al-Zubair }, Abdul Rahman Bin
al-Ashath ~, and other great people, did not achieve their sought-after goal.

[Dude, you are like TOTALLY hosed. You'll be lucky to make it to Hanukah.]

C-If our intended goal in this age is the establishment of a caliphate in the manner of
the Prophet and if we expect to establish its state predominantly-according to how it
appears to us-in the heart of the Islamic world, then your efforts and sacrifices-God
permitting-are a large step directly towards that goal.

[Okay, God maybe isn't permitting this, but just in case he might change his mind, keep at it!]

So we must think for a long time about our next steps and how we want to attain it, and
it is my humble opinion that the Jihad in Iraq requires several incremental goals:

The first stage: Expel the Americans from Iraq.

[Though this Cindy Sheehan is not nearly as helpful as Senator Kerry suggested in our meetings in Paris]

The second stage: Establish an Islamic authority or amirate, then develop it and support
it until it achieves the level of a caliphate- over as much territory as you can to
spread its power in Iraq, i.e., in Sunni areas, is in order to fill the void stemming
from the departure of the Americans, immediately upon their exit and before un-Islamic
forces attempt to fill this void, whether those whom the Americans will leave behind
them, or those among the un-Islamic forces who will try to jump at taking power.

[These un-Islamic forces being the Army and police forces of a democratically elected Iraq that outnumber us more every day, the bastards]

There is no doubt that this amirate will enter into a fierce struggle with the foreign
infidel forces, and those supporting them among the local forces, to put it in a state
of constant preoccupation with defending itself, to make it impossible for it to
establish a stable state which could proclaim a caliphate, and to keep the Jihadist
groups in a constant state of war, until these forces find a chance to annihilate them.

[Nutty as I am in this cave, even I am not unhinged enough to expect this cockamamie plan to actually work.]

The third stage: Extend the jihad wave to the secular countries neighboring Iraq.

[A little help, please!]

The fourth stage: It may coincide with what came before: the clash with Israel, because
Israel was established only to challenge any new Islamic entity.

[And let's just skip over that “O-fer� record okay?]

My raising this idea-I don't claim that it's infallible-is only to stress something
extremely important. And it is that the mujahedeen must not have their mission end with
the expulsion of the Americans from Iraq, and then lay down their weapons, and silence
the fighting zeal. We will return to having the secularists and traitors holding sway
over us. Instead, their ongoing mission is to establish an Islamic state, and defend
it, and for every generation to hand over the banner to the one after it until the Hour
of Resurrection.

If the matter is thus, we must contemplate our affairs carefully, so that we are not
robbed of the spoils, and our brothers did not die, so that others can reap the fruits
of their labor.

[That reminds me, I need to complete my will…]

D-If we look at the two short-term goals, which are removing the Americans and
establishing an Islamic amirate in Iraq, or a caliphate if possible, then, we will see
that the strongest weapon which the mujahedeen enjoy - after the help and granting of
success by God - is popular support from the Muslim masses in Iraq, and the surrounding
Muslim countries.

[It's there. I saw it on CNN.]

There is of course more, if you are interested. Download the letter for yourself.

NOTE: Dan Riehl has the full (unannotated) text online.

Talk About Turn-Down Service...

Via BrietBart:

Hilton Hotels, the parent company of Hampton Inn and other brands, is trying to find other rooms for the evacuees but said they were warned when they checked in that their stays would be limited by room availability, said Hilton spokeswoman Kathy Shepard.

"We're doing our very best to accommodate these people," she said.

It's an uncomfortable situation for the hotel industry: risk bad publicity for kicking out hurricane evacuees, or anger big-spending repeat customers who travel for business.

This marks the first time in history a Hilton has asked someone to leave a hotel room prior to filming.

Ewwww

Suddenly, Officer Barnes got that "not so fresh" feeling... *

Just So, So Wrong

This one came with the instructions:

I'm sorry, but in order for this to work, you will have to dream about Hillary!

I may never sleep again.

War Declared in Eastern North Carolina

I speak to you as a North Carolinian in a solemn hour for the life of our country, of our Empire, of our Allies, and above all the cause of good and true Barbeque. A tremendous battle is raging in Memphis and other parts of the Country. The Memphians, by a remarkable combination of propaganda and trickery have begun their full fledged assault on the taste buds of America. They have penetrated deeply and spread alarm and confusion in their trick.

It would be foolish, however to disguise the gravity of the hour. It would be still more foolish to lose heart and courage or to suppose that maybe there is room for tomatoes in Barbeque sauce, however much you like the idea of spicy catsup. We may look with confidence to the stabilization of the border known as I-95, and to the general engagement of the masses which will enable the qualities of the only true Barbeque to be matched squarely against those of their adversaries with spicy catsup at hand...

The War of Lateral Aggression has begun.

(Background here)

The Level of Incompetence WAS Suspicious...

The Volcker Report clears Annan for… flooding?

You know, if the United Nations was involved in dam and levee construction in Louisiana prior to Hurricane Katrina, it would sure go a long way towards explaining the failure of flood control levees in New Orleans.

Thanks for the headline, Google News.

Political Football

No matter how sincerely you mean it, chanting "Bu$Hitler ChimpHalliburton lied, Fascist babykillers died!" grows tiresome after a while, and even the most ardent America-haters need a break.

Here, Cindy Sheehan signals yet another safety in a pickup football game that pitted "skirts vs. skinheads." One team decided to surrender forfeit after the coin toss, the other team refused and ran up a score of 144-0 in the first half before getting bored and beating up the cheerleaders.

I'll let you guess which team won.

A New Approach?

(Image via AP)

With her conventional anti-Bush protests failing thus far in Crawford, Cindy Sheehan pledges to "Watusi" untli she is granted another meeting with the President.

Re-Repost: Trying to Reason With Hurricane Season

As Katrina has made landfall and left a million Floridians without power, it seemed like a perfect time for a re-repost of this post.

Confederate Yankee's Guide to Dealing with Hurricane Season

Days Before the Storm Arrives

1. Move. Seriously, people in Idaho never have to deal with this crap.

2. Get milk and bread. Nobody seems to know exactly why, but I'm pretty sure it's the law.

3. Send Mama and the kids away to her folks for a few days.

4. Go to the beach and grab a seat in the dunes. Huge waves are cool to watch crashing on the beach, and if you're lucky, you can see some idiot from Quebec get swept out to sea. Screaming is funny in French.

5. Go home.

6. Throw all the crap you don't want any more in the yard. If the storm surge comes you can avoid a dumping fee, and if it doesn't, you can use all the debris to convince the guys from FEMA that it did and they'll cut you a big, fat check.

1. Get more beer. Lots of it. If you're living in hurricane country, you might as well make the best of it.

2. Get ice. That way your beer stays cold even if you lose power for a couple of days.

3. Get one of those huge 490-quart Igloo coolers that looks like chest freezer, but bigger. It'll keep your iced beer cold, and can be used as a raft. Put it in the bass boat tied to your back porch.

4. Board up the windows of your trailer. You already have all the boards numbered from last year, so it should be a snap. Put all the crap you really need (rifles, radio, lawn chairs, cans of vienna sausages, etc.) in a big waterproof bag and tie it tightly well off the ground in a nearby tree.

5. Invite your best buddy over. Remind him to bring his cooler.

6. Wait.

Landfall

1. Sit inside and drink beer. Watch that 90-pound girl reporter from the local television news crew get battered by the wind and sideways rain while doing a live report. Take bets on whether or not the cameraman will warn her about that dumpster bearing down behind her. Wonder why he hates her so much. Giggle until you loose power.

2. Put on your lawn ‘n leaf bag and step outside for a smoke. Wow, those 100 MPH lighters really do work.

3. Go out back, get in the boat, and tie a rope around your cooler. Mount up. When the storm surge comes, you can ride that bucking 490-quart beast like a bull.

4. Yee-haw!

5. Float serenely along, drinking more beer. At this point you should have enough beer in you to “contribute to the storm surge,� if you know what I mean.

6. Empty your bladder up-current from that still-screaming guy from Quebec.

7. Thow your empty cans at, err, to him. Empty beer cans are nature's unsung floatation devices. Don't let him get too close though—he smells like piss.

8. Enjoy the ride while it lasts. Likes the French, storm surge always retreats eventually, and you'll be back on land soon enough.

1. Climb off your cooler, hop out of the boat, and immediately start picking up full cans and bottles of beer left over from that convenience store down the street that washed away.

2. If he hasn't stopped screaming yet, an ice-cold beer should encourage “Frenchy� to settle down—especially if you catch him in the temple.

3. When he comes too, have him help pick up beers. If he refuses to work—which you should expect of socialists—simply hum a few bars of “Dueling Banjos.�

4. Deliverance needs no translation.

5. Have “Frenchy� drag your cooler back to your freshly scoured lot and then send him on his way.

6. Retrieve your rifle, radio, lawn chairs, and viennas from that waterproof bag you tied in a tree.

7. Pose for the CNN news crews that come by. They LOVE filming guys guarding nothing from lawn chairs. When Mama sees you on CNN, she and the kids will know you're “ah-ight.�

8. Have a can of viennas and a beer.

9. Wait for FEMA to come by.

10. Listen to the radio. According to the National Weather Service, you'll get to do it all again next week.

In The Ermy Now

(via AP)

While visiting Camp Lejune, President Bush suddenly realized that the re-enlistment age for Marines had been relaxed a bit too much.

Sheehan Supporters: I'll Have a Glass

According to a EiTB News article, "anti-was" advocates held a vigil in front of the White House last night.

"We support Cindy Sheehan indiscriminately, said activist spokesperson Maureen Stewart. "As the mother of a dead soldier, she has absolute moral authority. Anything she says must be right.

“She said George W. Bush is personally responsible for her son's death, so it must be true. She said that America and the Heb—Kik—Israelis are responsible for Islamic terrorism, and they obviously are. So we should pull our troops out of both Iraq and Afghanistan, shrieking loudly if at all possible, even if the Iraqis and Afghanis don't yet want us to. It's for their own good.

"And when Mother Sheehan said to that evil Maniac Resident Chimperor Shrub:

"You tell me the truth. You tell me that my son died for oil. You tell me that my son died to make your friends rich. You tell me my son died to spread the cancer of Pax Americana, imperialism in the Middle East. You tell me that, you don't tell me my son died for freedom and democracy.

Cuz, we're not freer. You're taking away our freedoms. The Iraqi people aren't freer, they're much worse off than before you meddled in their country.

You get America out of Iraq, you get Israel out of Palestine."

"…she was speaking truth to power. It was like listening to Jesus. Or Michael Moore."

Sheehan, who compared America to a cancer and called President Bush the "biggest terrorist in the World," has spurred a new movement among the radical left that wish the bastion of terror that is the United States, the "never was" movement.

This "anti-was" faction, back by an anonymous donor who has only been referred to cryptically as "Dr. K," has decided that the best way to undo the damage caused to the world by America's imperialistic love of war and cheap gas (currently $2.85 in many areas) is to undo America, starting with imperialist American elites.

"Towards that end, we are willing to lead by example," said Stewart. "We're advocating that everyone who wants to rid the world of terrorism join the anti-was movement. If the U.S. never was, terrorism would never be."

Preach on, sister.

Various chapters of the anti-was movement are planning a countrywide protest from Chappaqua to Santa Monica in the near future. Final dates and locations have not yet been determined, but free refreshments have been promised to all those who attend.

Something's Fishy Here...

"The Man" at GOP and the City has evidence of yet another Google News fraud...

Or does he?

I can't quite put my finger on it, but I'm not certain that they had Verdana as a font in 1861. Hey Charles, can you take a look at this?

Bu$hitler to Send Cindy Sheehan to Gitmo!

I just figured I'd say it before she makes the claim, which I'm sure is every bit as reliable as Cindy Sheehan's real theory that she'll be executed by the Secret Service.

Update: A RETRACTION. Bu$hilter is sending Cindy Sheehan to Abu Ghraib.

Journalists Of Talent

CBS News has chosen the first two participants for its "journalists-of-talent" training program, a program designed to develop a pool of highly qualified producers and correspondents from which CBS affiliates and stations, as well as CBS News, will be able to draw talent. CBS News hires the journalists to work for two years at participating CBS affiliates or CBS NEWSPATH.

The announcement was made by Andrew Heyward, President, CBS News and Linda Mason, Senior Vice President, Standards and Special Projects, CBS News.

Heyward said, "we know this is a pioneering effort of a kind never before displayed in the major media, and we are proud that CBS News is among the first to stretch the envelope."

The "envelope" reportedly contains documents faxed from a Texas Kinko's. *

Dr. StrangeRove: Or, How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love The Nuclear Option

The Supreme Court nomination of John Roberts seems to have taken the predicted turn; Democrats have asked for all documents related to Robert's work for the government, and the White House has released almost all of it, while holding onto paperwork from Roberts' time as deputy solicitor general during George H.W. Bush's administration.

The current Bush administration currently says that documents relating to Roberts' work as deputy solicitor general will not be given to senators, citing attorney-client privilege, as stated by seven former solicitor generals in a 2002 letter.

"Any attempt to intrude into the Office's highly privileged deliberations would come at the cost of the Solicitor General's ability to defend vigorously the United States' litigation interests -- a cost that also would be borne by Congress itself," the former officials said in a copy of the letter obtained by CNN.

The letter cited was written by Seth Waxman, one of three solicitors general under the Clinton administration. The letter was sent on behalf of Waxman, Walter Dellinger, and Drew Days of the Clinton administration; Kenneth Starr from the George H.W. Bush administration; Charles Fried and Robert Bork who served under Reagan; and Archibald Cox, who worked for President John F. Kennedy.

The job of the solicitor general is to argue cases for the government in the Supreme Court. The seven former solicitor generals feel that breaching the confidence of this office would be detrimental to the performance of the solicitor general; which seems to be an entirely reasonable position… well, reasonable except to those who might want to obstruct the confirmation of a judicial nominee.

A presumably still bitter John "Magic Hat" Kerry, who is not a member of the Senate Judiciary Committee, was the first to call for the release of Roberts' written record, "in its entirety." This of course, is coming from a man who ran for the highest office in the land while refusing to release his own record.

Some newspapers are already quick to jump on the bandwagon of creating a Miguel Estrada-like battle between Democrats and the administration, where Estrada was filibustered for refusing to release his privileged solicitor general's office-related documents.

Estrada eventually withdrew his nomination due to Democratic stalling tactics, but it remains to be seen if Democrats will try the same tactic against Supreme Court nominee Roberts. In this instance, the media's prodding for an epic struggle between Democrats and Republicans is not in the best interests of their normal allies in the Democratic Party.

Reporters want copy and airtime, and Democrats ache to regain political power. If media liberals can successfully push political liberals into trying this same stalling tactic on Roberts that they did on Estrada, they will set the stage for their own disaster.

And. Then. Came. Rove.

There is every reason to believe that "Bush's Brain," conservative political strategist Karl Rove is once again deftly using the strengths and tendencies of the mainstream media and liberal politicians to practice jujitsu on the Democratic Party.

Unable to depose Rove via Nadagate, frustrated liberals might try to go after John Roberts in revenge. I'd wager the White House is counting on it. This would be a huge mistake, on par with thinking that a portly documentary filmmaker could really affect the outcome of an election.

Rove threw a head fake to the media from the word "go," floating a rumor that Edith Brown Clement, and later Edith Bunker might be the new Supreme Court nominee before he, err, Bush officially nominated the ultimate outsider that night: a white middle-aged male.

Roberts was anonymous when he was introduced, and by the time the political left was ready to begin an attack against him the next day, he was already known as the father of the adorable (and not gay) "dancing Jack." The moment that video segment came out, the Roberts family connected with every parent who'd ever had a four-year old act up in public. When Democrats were unable to mount an immediate and credible attack on John Roberts political views within the first 24 hours after the nomination, and Ann Coulter mounted an attack that painted him as not conservative enough, the ball game was effectively over.

Roberts has cute kids. He isn't the right wing extremist that liberals had shrieked that Bush would nominate. The American people said, "we'll take him."

Rove's brilliant strategy of getting Jack to take dance lessons and asking Fräulein Coulter to write her attack piece won the nomination before it began. What remains is just Another Rovian Plot™ to see just how far he can unhinge the Democrat Party.

Leahy gobbled up the bait first, quickly followed by Kerry. Others are sure to follow. If the trend continues and a complicit media keep pouring blood in the proverbial water, Liberal Democrats might work themselves up into a filibuster before they realize that it is their own hemoglobin that has them in a frenzy.

Completely oblivious to the outside world by In the Beltway madness, Democrats will not see the Nuclear Option coming down until it comes to a vote, and this time, the American people, sick to death of Democratic scheming, will be behind it 100%. The filibuster will die because of Rove's brilliance and a $39.95 dance class for a four year-old, and within a week of Roberts' confirmation, Rehnquist will step down.

Coulter's nomination to the Supreme Court will be immediate, and without the filibuster, unstoppable. The Scalia Court will be Rove's legacy to the world.

I must say that I've learned to be at peace with that.

London Transportation PSA

According to Fox News, the explosives found today in London's four terrorist bombs were made of TATP, or triacetone triperoxide, a mix of hydrogen peroxide, paint thinner, and sulphuric or hydrochloric acid. The formula has been around for 110 years, and is popular with terrorists, but has been known to be very unstable. According to Wikipedia, TATP has killed at least 40 Palestinian terrorists over the years as they tried to handle it. TATP is very shock sensitive.

With that knowledge in hand, Londoners are better armed with the knowledge that they, too, can help prevent terrorism.

Should you be in London, and happen to see a swarthy looking fellow carrying a backpack and looking somewhat nervous, push him in front of a bus.

If he detonates on contact with the bus, he is—was indeed a terrorist. Of course, this advice is hardly foolproof. Terrorists are highly sophisticated, and are therefore known to change their tactics to confuse authorities.

That in mind, if you should happen to be in London, and happen to see a swarthy-looking fellow (or a Jamaican, or someone from Asia, or a scummy-looking white guy, or a Hispanic with a Chicago accent, or George Galloway) carrying a backpack (or a briefcase, or a pizza box, or a copy of the Guardian) and looking relaxed (or content, or annoyed, or French), push him in front of a bus. If he detonates on contact with the bus, he is—was indeed a terrorist.

This advice is not always applicable.

If you "like to take the Tube" (a phrase that means something completely different in San Francisco), a bus may not always be available. Adapt. If you see a man—or maybe a woman, or a particuarly obnoxious child—carrying something, or looking like he might plan on carrying something, push him or her in front of the train. If he detonates on contact with the train, he or she is—was indeed a terrorist.

Strike a blow for jolly old England... and watch your back when standing near the curb.

BOB Roberts for SCOTUS?!?!

Oh, JOHN Roberts...

Had me worried there for a second...

Durbin's Comments Waking the Dead

Documentarian Overboard. Tsunami Warning Issued

A major earthquake struck Tuesday night about 80 miles off the coast of northern California, prompting a tsunami warning along the Pacific coast.

Members of a nearby Coast Guard station are reportedly involved in an intensive search.

What Democrats Stand For

(h/t: Drudge)

Difference between Interrogation and Torture

It is torture if you use this guy.

Listening to pop music, being made to stand a long time, forced removal of clothing and facial hair, hanging pictures of scantily clad-women around their necks--were these log books gathered from Guantanamo Bay, or just a random fraternity house?

"Torture" at Arizona State University, 1937

I'm sorry, while this stuff it is uncomfortable, and maybe even humiliating, it isn't torture.

It isn't even close.

Trying to Reason with Hurricane Season

Confederate Yankee's Guide to Dealing with Hurricane Season

Days Before the Storm Arrives

1. Move. Seriously, people in Idaho never have to deal with this crap.
2. Get milk and bread. Nobody seems to know exactly why, but I'm pretty sure it's the law.
3. Send Mama and the kids away to her folks for a few days.
4. Go to the beach and grab a seat in the dunes. Huge waves are cool to watch crashing on the beach, and if you're lucky, you can see some idiot from Quebec get swept out to sea. Screaming is funny in French.
5. Go home.
6. Throw all the crap you don't want any more in the yard. If the storm surge comes you can avoid a dumping fee, and if it doesn't, you can use all the debris to convince the guys from FEMA that it did and they'll cut you a big, fat check.

1. Get more beer. Lots of it. If you're living in hurricane country, you might as well make the best of it.
2. Get ice. That way your beer stays cold even if you lose power for a couple of days.
3. Get one of those huge 490-quart Igloo coolers that looks like chest freezer, but bigger. It'll keep your iced beer cold, and can be used as a raft. Put it in the bass boat tied to your back porch.
4. Board up the windows of your trailer. You already have all the boards numbered from last year, so it should be a snap. Put all the crap you really need (rifles, radio, lawn chairs, cans of vienna sausages, etc.) in a big waterproof bag and tie it tightly well off the ground in a nearby tree.
5. Invite your best buddy over. Remind him to bring his cooler.
6. Wait.

1. Sit inside and drink beer. Watch that 90-pound girl reporter from the local television news crew get battered by the wind and sideways rain while doing a live report. Take bets on whether or not the cameraman will warn her about that dumpster bearing down behind her. Wonder why he hates her so much. Giggle until you loose power.
2. Put on your lawn ‘n leaf bag and step outside for a smoke. Wow, those 100 MPH lighters really do work.
3. Go out back, get in the boat, and tie a rope around your cooler. Mount up. When the storm surge comes, you can ride that bucking 490-quart beast like a bull.
4. Yee-haw!
5. Float serenely along, drinking more beer. At this point you should have enough beer in you to “contribute to the storm surge,� if you know what I mean.
6. Empty your bladder up-current from that still-screaming guy from Quebec.
7. Thow your empty cans at, err, to him. Empty beer cans are nature's unsung floatation devices. Don't let him get too close though—he smells like piss.
8. Enjoy the ride while it lasts. Likes the French, storm surge always retreats eventually, and you'll be back on land soon enough.

1. Climb off your cooler, hop out of the boat, and immediately start picking up full cans and bottles of beer left over from that convenience store down the street that washed away. 2. If he hasn't stopped screaming yet, an ice-cold beer should encourage “Frenchy� to settle down—especially if you catch him in the temple. 3. When he comes too, have him help pick up beers. If he refuses to work—which you should expect of socialists—simply hum a few bars of “Dueling Banjos.� 4. Deliverance needs no translation. 5. Have “Frenchy� drag your cooler back to your freshly scoured lot and then send him on his way. 6. Retrieve your rifle, radio, lawn chairs, and viennas from that waterproof bag you tied in a tree. 7. Pose for the CNN news crews that come by. They LOVE filming guys guarding nothing from lawn chairs. When Mama sees you on CNN, she and the kids will know you're “ah-ight.� 8. Have a can of viennas and a beer. 9. Wait for FEMA to come by. 10. Listen to the radio. According to the National Weather Service, you'll get to do it all again next week.

Crazy Cooter Comin' At Ya

Apparently a new insurgent tactic is to wait at car repair shops, and plant bombs in vehicles when civilians bring them in to get fixed.

Insurgents waiting for a victim...
here comes a good candidate.

By the time the customer comes back to pick up his car, it is not only fixed, it has "a little something special" under the hood. Customers drive away happy, only get a little more bang for their buck than they bargained for.

Coalition forces have released this picture of the suspected terrorist master bombmaker:

Master bomb-builder
Abdul "Cooter" al-Hassan

A suitable reward is being offered for Adbul "Cooter" al-Hassan's capture; 10,000 dinar and a date with Saudi Arabian "Am I Hot or Not?" Woman of the Year, Thamira Sittuna.

And Finally, They Came For Our Sporks

A team from West Middlesex University Hospital said violent crime is on the increase - and kitchen knives are used in as many as half of all stabbings.

They argued many assaults are committed impulsively, prompted by alcohol and drugs, and a kitchen knife often makes an all too available weapon.

The research is published in the British Medical Journal.

The researchers said there was no reason for long pointed knives to be publicly available at all.

They consulted 10 top chefs from around the UK, and found such knives have little practical value in the kitchen.

None of the chefs felt such knives were essential, since the point of a short blade was just as useful when a sharp end was needed.

The researchers said a short pointed knife may cause a substantial superficial wound if used in an assault - but is unlikely to penetrate to inner organs.

In contrast, a pointed long blade pierces the body like "cutting into a ripe melon".

Then again...

that may not be much of a change...

Update: While I mock the English on one hand, American doctors seem to agree with the knife control theory... at least for this one blogger... okay, maybe two.

Crapperquiddick : Fake, But Accurate...But Fake?

I supposed all that is left is to tell us that Afghanistan itself was made up... Yup. It figures.

This is an archive post. Please visit the main page for more.

Prayers For Abu Musab al-Zarqawi

Nevertheless, I am hoping that al-Zarqawi survives his wounds. I want him to fully recover, for I have other prayers for him.

I pray al-Zaraqwi leaves Iraq, and slyly retires Devon, England to jog through gorse bushes on Woodbury Common.

I pray his desire for a vacation leads him to scenic Uige, Angola.

But most of all, I pray for al-Zarqawi, stuffed on eastern NC barbeque and drunk on Manischewitz, to be caught as the "bottom" in Pam Anderson/Tommy Lee-type video with the brutish Muqtada al-Sadr. I pray that the video is broadcast on al Jazeera--just after al-Sadr is diagnosed with both Chlamydia trachomatis and an untreatable and highly-contagious form of scrapie.

Perhaps al Qaeda should be more specific in their prayer requests.

Michael Moore's Latest Project Thwarted

Off The Deep End

Norman Mailer is a case in point:

At present, I have a few thoughts I can certainly not prove, but the gaffe over the Michael Isikoff story in Newsweek concerning the Koran and the toilet is redolent with bad odor. Who, indeed, was Isikoff's supposedly reliable Pentagon source? One's counter-espionage hackles rise. If you want to discredit a Dan Rather or a Newsweek crew, just feed them false information from a hitherto reliable source. You learn that in Intelligence 101A.

Counter-espionage often depends on building "reliable sources." You construct such reliability item by secret item, all accurate. That is seen by the intelligence artists as a necessary expenditure. It gains the source his credibility. Then, you spring the trap.

As for the riots at the other end, on this occasion, they, too, could have been orchestrated. We do have agents in Pakistan, after all, not to mention Afghanistan.

Obviously, I can offer no proof of any of the above.

Update: This Norman Mailer is probably more reliable, and accurate.

Fox Squeals When Trapped

And despite what you might have heard from Newsweek, while Fox did make comments saying American blacks were lazy, he did not try to flush them down toilets.

Journalism Safety PSA

Kids, remember to follow these simple rules if you find a journalist:

STOP AND DON'T TOUCH IT.
LEAVE THE AREA
TELL A RESPONSIBLE ADULT WHAT YOU FOUND

The adult should NOT touch the journalist either.

Even if the adult is familiar with journalism safety rules, the journalist should not be handled.

The journalist could be essential evidence that could be used in a solving a crime and the mere position of the journalist could be important. Not to mention footprints, fingerprints, clothing threads, blood, tire tracks or cartridge cases that might be in the immediate area.

If you are alone, remember exactly where the journalist is.

Carefully leave the area without disturbing anything.

If possible, post a sentry or responsible person to keep everyone away from the area.

As soon as possible, bring a police officer to the journalist. Don't pick it up and bring it to the police station.

Thank You.

(with apologies to http://www.savetheguns.com/safety_rules.htm)

Note: If anyone has a "Guns Don't Kill People. Reporters Kill People." tee shirt or bumper sticker for sale other their site (hint, hint), let me know and I'll link it in.

Update: Vilmar has an intersting take on this story defending Newsweak... sorta.

IMAO: Cat Blog?

Though this isn't half-bad, either. Besides, it's about as close as I've gotten to be on Frank J.'s blogroll so far...

Moveon.org Starts New Voter Registration Drive

They're recruiting the same voter population as always, it appears (h/t: Drudge).

You Gotta Problem with Papa Ratzi?

I've had it up to here, with punks slamming the new Pope without having their facts straight, so I thought I'd provide a few much needed corrections.

The new Pope was never a Nazi. A Goodfella, but not a Nazi...
Some will tell you he was forced into the Hitler Youth against his will as a teen, but that simply isn't true. Contrary to inaccurate reports in the media, "Papa Ratzi" wasn't born until February 9, 1943, and therefore, was far too young to have served in any aspect in WWII, though I'm sure the Democratic Underground will consider his diapers as evidence of "fascist WMD production."

He is known as "God's Rottweiler."
An ugly, ugly slur, based upon some of his earlier work readjusting the faith of some of those who were having a few problems with their value systems.

You punks leave Papa Ratzi alone. He is not here to amuse you.

Now to help work on the image of Rick James, Hattiesburgh City Council candidate.

Update: Liberal Larry covered the Pesci angle as well, but he was actually funny... if you're into that sort of thing.

Michael Moore, Here's Your Country

USMC_Vet at The Blue State Conservatives gives us a wonderful example of the kind of law-abiding observers deployed by the ACLU to keep an eye on the very successful Minuteman Project.

And yes, there are pictures:

That isn't a Marlboro being lit and shared by this pair of ACLU-uniformed "Legal Observers" (which is what these shirts say in English and Spanish). The source for this and other pictures is available here. Note that these brilliant people are not not even smart enough to try to conceal their blatantly illegal activity; they are sitting on the side of the road getting high, presumably waiting for a snack truck.

Having these clueless stoners patrol the Mexican border is like having Sean Penn teach gun safety. Michael Moore once asked, "Dude, where's my country?"

Judging by these photos, it must be on the side of the road dreaming of an all-you-can-eat buffet.

I Knew Nominating Hillary Was A Bad Idea...

From the Jerusalem Post:

A thorough analysis of the Koran reveals that the US will cease to exist in the year 2007, according to research published by Palestinian scholar Ziad Silwadi.

The study, which has caught the attention of millions of Muslims worldwide, is based on in-depth interpretations of various verses in the Koran. It predicts that the US will be hit by a tsunami larger than that which recently struck southeast Asia.

"The tsunami waves are a minor rehearsal in comparison with what awaits the US in 2007," the researcher concluded in his study. "The Holy Koran warns against the Omnipotent Allah's force. A great sin will cause a huge flood in the Atlantic and Pacific oceans."

A World Turned Upside Down

After reading this, I knew it must be April Fool's.

This just confirmed it.

Robble-Robble

Oh wait, that's the other burglar.

According to the Associated Press, Former Clinton national security advisor Sandy Burglar, uh, Berger, will take a misdemeanor plea deal for taking top secret documents from the national archives.

It's nice to know one can steal top secret documents, plead it was an "accident," and get away with a slap on the wrist instead of significant jail time.

Chinese spies in Los Alamos will assuredly sleep better tonight.

Note: This could have alternately been titled, "Stuffing Berger, Hidden Sentence."

Update: Added pre-sentencing pic.

The Camp Bucca Redemption

CAMP BUCCA, IRAQ -- U.S. military police Friday thwarted a massive escape attempt by suspected insurgents and terrorists from this southern Iraq Army base that houses more than 6,000 detainees when they uncovered a 600-foot tunnel the detainees had dug under their compound.

"We were very close to a very bad thing," Major Gen. William Brandenburg said Friday after troops under his command discovered the tunnel that prisoners had painstakingly dug with the help of makeshift tools.

Within hours of the discovery on the first tunnel, a second tunnel of about 300 feet was detected under an adjoining compound in the camp, which holds 6,049 detainees. The elaborate escape is reminiscent of the 1994 movie, "The Shawshank Redemption," where a prisoner burrows his way out of prison.

(hat tip Drudge)

Update: Added the quote from the article for context.

Update 2: Added to the Beltway Traffic Jam.

Hot, Nasty, Dirty Blog Tricks

I'll have to cross post this over at Blog Netiquette as what not do as a blogger...

Bill at INDC Journal, has come across a couple of disturbing way that bloggers are building up their traffic. One discovered by Dean was to mention Mario Vasquez.

"Who is Mario Vasquez?" I thought, and so I did a search on Mario Vasquez. Apparently, Mario Vasquez is some huge star on, and now off American Idol. He looks kind of like another Justin Timberlake wannabe, with quite a few people apparently hoping to see Mario Vasquez nude. I find that kind of pandering sad and pathetic... as I did this example from Wizbang of Debbie Gibson Nude (not work safe).

Frankly, I'm stunned.

These are bloggers I respect, and I can't fathom why they would want to clutter up their sites with false references to naked pictures of Gwen Stefani or Ernest Borgnine, and more than I could guess why they'd want to draw traffic to see non-existant nude photos of Chrstina Aguilera, Brad Pitt, or free explicit videos of Paris Hilton with Helen Thomas. I would never stoop to such a level.

That would just be wrong.

Update 3/20: For some odd reason, this article shows up third on a Yahoo! search for "Mario Vasquez Naked." Isn't that just wrong?

Beating Your PETA In Public

Brings a whole new meaning to the song "We've got the Beat." Jeff is having way too much fun with this over at Beautiful Atrocities.

By the way, the chicken I had for lunch on this International Eat an Animal for PETA Day was excellent, and I look forward to the veal I'll be dining on tonight.

Susan Sarandon, Your Ride Is Here

Why do I have a feeling this thing is here just to pick up our favorite P.E.S.T.-suffering celebrities and take them back where they belong?

Happy trails, little liberals.

Sgrena on the Job

Phin's Blog has an exclusive picture of Italian journalist Guiliana Sgrena participating in "Take Your Kid to Work" day. Heh.

"Like Crystal Meth to Stupid"

SortaPundit has a petition drive any sane blogger will want to sign. Be sure to read the comments, where Lagomorphic Tendencies utters the gem of a prospective tagline for O-dub "Like Crystal Meth to Stupid".

New Ward Churchill Art Discovered

(Clueless? Try this)

Ritter Joins al-Jezeera

I guess Scott Ritter has finally found the place where he belongs.

The fomer Marine, U.N. Weapons inspector and Time "Person of the Week" must have found the climate there a bit more accepting of his tastes, both political, and personal.

Of course, what probably attracted Ritter as much as the America-hating politics was the swingin' singles scene...

Right?

Update: No, Ritter has not been called as a witness in the Michael Jackson trial... Why do you ask?

Home

And You Thought Human Life Was Priceless

Creepy. From a very real insurance company web site.

New York Blizzard Live-Blogging

Look! The first snowflake!

And another...

And another, and another, and another, and another, and another, and another, and another, and another, and another, and another--oh look, a squirrel--and another, and another, and another, and another, and another, and another, and another, and another, and another, and another--hey, a plow truck--and another, and another, and another, and another, and another, and another, and another, and another, and another...

For some applications, live-blogging is overrated.

Punjis for Peace

I'd like to take a few minutes of your time to talk about a modest proposal for stopping illegal immigration.

It is simple in design, cost-effective to implement, and best of all, it nearly pays for itself.

As we all know, illegal immigration to the United States is growing problem. According to a recent Bear Sterns report(PDF), there may be as many as 20 million illegal aliens in the United States. These illegals are taking between 4-6 million jobs that used to belong to American workers, essentially outsourcing American jobs within America. This is a travesty.

In addition to taking American jobs, uninsured illegals are driving up healthcare costs for the American taxpayer, which hurts legal immigrants and native-born American citizens alike, and costs the nation billions of healthcare dollars. Los Angeles hospitals alone are losing more than $350 million each year on illegal aliens. These dollar figures do not begin to account for the law enforcement bill caused by illegals, who are each and every one a criminal, and occasionally terrorist sympathizers to boot. These illegal aliens are crippling the American economy.

It is time we cripple them back.

President Bush calls for changes on the status of illegal aliens, and proposes making them legal workers. I'm sorry Mr. President, but simply making them taxable doesn't address the issue, and may even encouage more illegal immigration.

I don't see where plans sponsored by either political party will halt the flow of illegals blatantly sponsored by certain banana republics looking to sponge off money flowing southward from jobs that should be rightfully held by hard-working Americans.

No we need strong, decisive action, and I think I have the answer in a simple economical solution.

Punji stick pits.

Instead of spending billions of dollars and thousands of additional man-hours on patrolling the border, we can simply line suspected border crossing areas with thousands of hidden pits filled with sharp sticks covered in human waste. Then simply send out bi-weekly patrols to pick up any survivors that haven't succumbed to infection or the desert heat, and take them to the border, where we will unceremoniously dump them back into Mexico where they belong.

Once there, Mexican authorities must cover the costs of debriding week-old gangrenous wounds caused by their lack of respect for U.S. sovereignty. I'm no medical expert, but the medical costs associated with treating thousands of these cases each month should encourage Mexican authorities close up their side of the border tighter than a nun's thighs in no time at all.

In addition, after a few illegals return home from Mexican hospitals minus a foot or two, the prevalence of cripples in their neighborhoods might open up space in the internal Mexican job market for those that are still healthy, while encouraging potential illegals to stay and better their own economies instead of literally risking life and limb.

Once Mexico strengthens its border security and Mexicans are willing to work at crappy jobs in their own country instead of ours, relations between our two nations can improve. That thought alone should be inspiring.

Punjis for Peace. Punjis for Prosperity.

Indeed.

Return to Sandy Burglar

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When the "graywash" CBS investigation of Rathergate was finally released yesterday, I like many others, had my say on the matter. The general consensus in the blogosphere seems to be that of dissatisfaction. I doubt we have heard the last of Rathergate, however, as external investigations are almost certain into the apparent coordination between the Democratic National Committee and CBS News. You can read more punditry on the subject in Bill's roundup at INDC Journal and more blogger reactions at Blogs for Bush.

But as the title of this thread indicates, The CBS/DNC Rathergate connection is not the only potentially explosive allegation of election illegalities involving the 2004 Democratic run at the White House. Sandy Berger, the corpulent Clinton Aide with sticky fingers and document-swallowing clothes, has been the subject of interviews by the FBI and federal prosecutors as reported today in the New York Post (hat tip: Instapundit).

For those of you who don't remember, John Kerry advisor and former Clinton national security advisor Berger was caught sneaking Code Word (Code Word is the highest level of secrecy, above Top Secret) government documents-as many as 50-out of a secure area of the National Archives. These documents, apparently relating to how the Clinton administration's handling of terrorism matters prior to 9/11, were being "vetted" by Berger for the 9/11 Commission investigation. Berger was subsequently forced to resign from the Kerry campaign because of the scandal.

In Berger World, "vetting" apparently means stuffing beyond Top Secret documents in your suit pockets, down your pants, down your socks, or any other available hiding place and taking them to unsecured, unprotected locations, such as his home or office, where at least some of these documents (presumably the most damning) were destroyed.

Far from being swept under the rug, the Berger investigation seems primed for a federal grand jury. Among the documents Berger removed from the archives all five or six drafts of a critique of the government's response to the millennium terrorism threat. This was no trivial matter.

The interesting thing about this investigation is not his guilt or innocence; Berger has already confessed to at least some of the crimes he could be charged with. No, the interesting point in this developing story is going to be how equal powerful political figures are treated under the law when compared to the common man, which could foreshadow how seriously an investigation is persued in any illegal coordination between CBS News and the DNC in the Rathergate scandal.

Berger claims that he knew he was violating the law when he took the documents, but also said July 19, 2004 that he "made an honest mistake." Apparently, Sandy Burglar has a hard time believing even himself.

Hopefully he'll have the time to contemplate this if he goes to a federal penitentiary as is appropriate for those admittedly who steal, alter, or destroy our nation secrets.

Update: I almost forgot to include this classic Cox and Forkum take on the matter from last summer, which has more text links in the commentary under the cartoon.

Do I Have a Show For You...

Dear Mr. Network Executive,

I think we need a new mega-reality show. One that will put your network over the top.

People are getting tired of the simple formulas that inspire trauma-based shows (Fear Factor, Scare Tactics), touchy-feely self-improvement tripe (The Swan, The Biggest Loser), or even surrounding-improvement programming (Monster House, Trading Spaces) or transportation-makeover episodes (Pimp My Ride, Overhaulin').

No, what we want, what we need, is a new ultra-reality show that combines the best elements of all the shows above.

My Solution:

Pimp My Bride. Seriously. Hear my out.

Start with four moderately-attractive engaged couples.

Maked them eat something really disgusting, and then given them a physical challenge that will make the more-athletic member of each couple infuriated with his or her future spouse. Or even better, combine the two into one event.

Then boot one of the couples out of the contest for some completely arbitrary reason.

Host Ty Rogan: "Maria, while your team actually came in first in the oral buffalo-chip relay, we just couldn't stand the bouncing of Dave's man-boobs as he ran. Your team is eliminated. Have some minty-fresh Listerine (sneaky product placement for our sponsers) and get to steppin'."

Down to three couples, split them up into teams of guys and girls, and have the same-sex threesomes compete in gender-opposite stereotypical contests.

Then bring the three couples back together, and boot another pair out of the contest, again for simply not liking one of them.

Host Ty Rogan: "Phil, you made an excellent three-cheese and broccoli quiche for brunch, and your lovely financee Marilyn excelled in calling that three-downs-and-out series in the Rams game. You should win this round and advance. But who carries the stones in this couple, Nancy-boy? Is she carrying your pair? You're eliminated. And don't drop your apron on the way out, Phil-lis."

At that point the contestant lunging at the host will, of course, call for an overzealous response from show security, combining the best elements of The Jerry Springer Show and Cops.

Am I a genius or what?

As the now-beaten and bloody losing contestant(s) are hauled away to jail, the remaining two couples will compete for our grand prize, a complete extreme makeover for the future bride, just like on The Swan... sorta.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

For our final contest, we'll combine the best of the home and car improvement shows, and have the couples design and build a garage that functions not only as a place to park a vehicle, but doubles as a man-refuge from his constantly nagging spouse.

The premise of this stunt alone will cause tension, and as the guys, blissfully unaware, try to figure out how they can fit a La-Z-Boy (product placement), a Budweiser beer tap (more advertising!) , and a Sony widescreen television (Even more advertising moolah, Mr. Network!) in front of a Buick (am I good at this or what?), the faces of the fuming girls will provide great tragi-comic relief.

Then, just to change things up, actually judge the final event on merit.

Relationship merit.

Ty Rogan: "Bill, that was an excellent idea to run the urinal tube from the front of your recliner directly into the septic line so that you'd never have to miss a second of the game. Unfortunately, in all your engineering excitement, you completely ignored Pam, and never noticed she was fuming in the corner. Think about how much butt you're going to have to kiss to make up for this one on the way out the door. And good luck in your 'Relationship.'

"John, you actually had the brains to tell Rebecca how wonderful she was and never even glanced at your potential sanctuary until she understood this was something you would only ever dream of doing 'for the show.'

"You are the winner of Pimp My Bride!"

At this point, we start a stage of the game that the winning couple doesn't know about. Remember I promised a Swan type ending? Well, that would be just too boring, wouldn't it?

At this point, an excited Rebecca, as the winning female, will be led away to visit a team of top-notch plastic surgeons for consultation, and will then have a day at the spa.

John on the other hand, as the winning male, will meet with the team of plastic surgeons who will actually be performing the surgery on Rebecca. He gets to make the call on implants, liposuction, dental work, etc. Just like in the other surgical shows, no one will see her, including herself, until the "big reveal" at the end of the episode.

Will Rebecca end up having more plastic than a cupboard full of Tupperware?

Does John even come close to making the right decisions?

Will Rebecca, in fact, kill John for what he did to her?

Are they going to remain engaged?

Who cares?

It's all good (for ratings), and you can see it all unfold again next week on Pimp My Bride.

So, Mr. Network Executive... do we have a show?

Update: Kevin at Cadet Happy whipped up an awesome image for Pimp My Bride and dropped it into sarahk's "real" site with all her other reality show addictions (right column). Now to pitch this to Fox...

Update 12/3: This article was the #1 search result for "Pimp Juice" on popdex ("the Website Popularity Index") for 12/1. Heh.

The campaign button probably didn't help

According to the fair and balanced media, John Kerry believes he lost to George Bush because of the release of a video from Osama bin Laden right before the election.

Though mentioned before, I can only wonder why he feels that might be the case.

Update: Sometimes great minds think alike. Steve H. posted an almost identical picture back on November 1 on Hog On Ice, about 24 hours before I posted my version of the same idea on another message board.