Mac & P.C. On Oil

"Hi. I'm P.C."

"And I'm Mac."

"Uh, aren't you a television host? Didn't I see you on QVC?"

"Yes. And no."

"Racist."

"Excuse me?"

"Sorry. It's reflexive at this point."

"Color me... aw never mind."

"Senator McCain, so glad that you could join us. Care to explain to everyone how you're in the pocket of 'big oil?' Hmmmm?"

"Yes. And no."

"What is it with all you bald-headed white people?"

"Excuse me?"

"'Yes. And no.' Why don't you just admit that you sold your soul to the oil companies, like I said in my ad?"

"Because it isn't true. You grossly inflated individual contributions, which by the way, you miscast as corporate contributions, which we didn't take..."

"Distractions."

"...and you neglected to mention that you took almost $400,000 for individuals in the oil industry for yourself."

"Uh...Distractions?"

"As far as it goes, however, I don't mind representing the interests of what you call 'big oil.'"

"See? Always trust in me."

"Hold your water, sunshine. What I mean is that I represent the people who make up the average shareholders and investors in oil companies."

"Fat cat Republicans?"

"No. I'm talking about the union workers, the teachers, the state government employees and small businesses that have their pensions invested in oil company stocks.

You know the majority of oil company stocks are held in retirement portfolios of average Americans right?"

"Uh, no they aren't."

"Yeah. You didn't know that, did you?"

"Umm, David Gergen said only rich people own oil company stocks."

"No he didn't. He said my Moses ad mocking your divinity was racial code calling you 'uppity.'"

"Ah, that's right."

"Though he probably thinks those 'rich' teachers, unionized workers, and other people who might not vote for you are calling you 'uppity' too. Truth be told, I think he's a bit 'touched' in the head."

"That much time with the Clintons will do that to a man."

"True dat."

"What?"

"True dat?"

"What does that mean?"

"I have no idea."

"But I hear you're doing good with your fund-raising."

"I'm wildly popular."

"So you've said before. I ran into one of your big contributors just the other day in fact."

"Them asses love me."

"Did you mean 'The masses love me"?"

"Sure. What ever floats your yacht."

"Boat."

"Distractions."

"So did you want to meet him?"

"I'm not really the touchy, feely kind.. it's why I like Internet contributions so much."

"We Love you Barack!"

"Um, err..."

"My brother and I are huge fans!"

"And huge donors."

"Um..."

"We love you Barack!"

"I'm not supposed to be seen with..."

"And why is that?"

"Because stupid, racist crack— because, bitter, clin— Aw, Hell. Because some stupid people think I'm Muslim."

"But you aren't."

"So? It doesn't matter whether things are true or not. You just have to convince people that the lies are the truth."

"Do tell."

"Come on, McCain. You've been in national politics a lot longer than my 143 days. You know we have to lie to the people to get elected. Some of us more than others, but still..."

"Go on...."

"And all I need is to get them to believe until November. And he doesn't help."

"I can haz Jerusalem?"

"Not this time around."

"Then I'm shutting down the phone banks!"

"Well, let's not do anything rash..."

"'Hope' and 'Change,' Senator Obama?"

"'Change' doesn't fuel my jet, McCain."

"Indeed."