Stimulus Guns

The Multi-Generational Financial Rape Act of 2009 passed in the House of Representatives Friday without a single Republican vote and the loss of seven Democrats, sending the bill to the Senate, where just three turncoats—Susan Collins, Olympia Snowe, and Arlen Specter—could be fooled into voting for a massive spending program no Senator or Congressman has read.

The unexamined legislation forced through Congress with little oversight or review is expected to threaten the nation's credit rating, potentially devalue the dollar, and lead to a spike in inflation not seen since Jimmy Carter's abortive Presidency.

Neophyte President Barack Obama, less than a month into the first professional executive position of his life (the failed chairmanship of the Chicago Annenberg Challenge that wasted tens of millions of educational dollars in attempting Marxist indoctrination was a volunteer position), is poised to sign the Bill on Monday Tuesday (because one simply must have a three-day weekend his third week on the job), adding years to the recession, and increasing violent crime and property crime to levels not seen in decades outside of Chicago public schools.

In light of these bold, decisive, and reckless series of decisions of Congressmen and women more intent on catching their vacation flights than helping theri constituents, many Americans have decided that now is a great time to put money back into certain segments of the economy, spurring a run on shelf-stable foods, water purifiers, subterranean concrete construction, and of course, firearms.

While I don't have the necessary background to help people determine the best brand of freeze-dried ice cream or powdered milk, and my knowledge of the right cement mix to use in do-it-yourself bunkers is very limited, I have spent a considerable amount of my recreational time over the years around firearms and ammunition, including a stint selling guns and ammo for a major sporting goods retailer that rhymes with "Pricks."

Without further ado, here are some select choices, broken down by political affiliation

Guns for Liberals
For the hardcore hope-and-changer, nothing says I HEART OBAMA more than the 10 Exciting Power Squirt, just the kind of item New York Times editorialists gush over when they're gushing about the Great Big O. This Indonesian import is colorful, and is guaranteed to leave you soaked. And while it can't really defend you from anyone or anything, gosh-darn it, it sure looks fun!

For fans of San Fran Nan and her all important junket to Italy, we offer the 8mm Beretta CX4. Made of the same space-age polymers and rigid plastics as our Speaker of the House, this ultra-fabulous design looks capable, but when it goes off, the joke's on you.

And last but not least, the perfect Harry Reid gun is obvious, if lacking spark.

Guns For Obamacons
Not quite liberal, but certainly not conservative, Obamacons want a little power in their hands, even if they don't know what to do with it. Nothing could be more fitting for an Obamacon than the powerful new Taurus revolver, the Judge. A pistol designed to fire a .410 shotgun shell, the Judge is a favorite of Obamacons everywhere. We recommend Obamacons use the Judge with 12-gauge shells. True, that doesn't fit, but they can always try to force it and see how that works out.

For Conservatives, both Democrat and Republican
How many are you willing to sell, and at what profit margin?