Obama's Press Conference in a Nutshell

Capitalism is a systemic virus that we cannot hope to kill, and as distasteful as that thought is to my Administration, it is something that we can hope to control if you give us unprecedented power.

We need to institute cap-and-trade so that we move from real, but pollution-causing energy sources to environmentally-friendly solutions that presently, err, do not exist.

And sure, my budget will most likely bankrupt the United States if we're off even a little bit, but if we don't spend hundreds of billions to institute a bunch of vague, wide-ranging, and ideologically-driven policy prescriptions, then we might end up broke anyway because of impossible—hey look, a bunny!

We've going to cut the deficit in half, which is why our national debt will being to skyrocket. It's simple economics. For growth we need sustainable um, other examples of domestic products... dropping discretionary defense spending to lowest levels since the 60s. Hey, do my critics offer a better idea? Let's talk about Mexico!

We're going to look at the border with literally hundreds of more people, and we're trying to find a way to use this as an excuse to push for gun and ammunition control. We'll do everything we can... except build an actual physical border.

The VA is underfunded and we hope to make cost saving in the procurement system to make up for the money we need for veterans care. We'll scrap expensive new weapons that underperform, to keep providing our troops with existing weapons systems that are overused and obsolete to the point that they also underperform.

Invest, invest, invest.

And by that, I mean let's spend your money.

I'm going to give a long and rambling misdirection instead of answering your question about AIG, though I will admit I didn't voice my opinion because I didn't know what was going on.

The Chinese idea of doing away with the dollar is admittedly a different plan, but hey, wouldn't a "yen menu" at McDonald's be cool? Not that a new global currency is needed. Yet.

We're not going to renew the Bush tax cuts for the middle class. We're going to introduce the Obama tax cuts. See how much more I care about you than anyone since Reagan? Any by "Reagan," I mean shut up, capitalist, or you might just find a busload of sedated ACORN drones outside your house in the morning.

Please don't look at how I'm in favor of penalizing charities. And lets go to the decaffinated hack from Ebony who uses a discredited report on homeless children to make a point, showing why Kevin Chappell has no more business being a reporter than Dave Chappell. Oh, and did I mention we'll start programs to help them with housing? Now hand over your wallets.

Race does not enter into the equation in my Administration, except for the searing legacy of racial discrimination I like to use when it's convenient. American's instead have looked at me based upon my incompetence, not my appearance.

Cloning, stem cells, abortion... come on. It's just meat, like that $100/lb Wagyu steak I'm going to have when I'm done with you, reporter-man.

As for the Jews and Palestinians, we need a two-state solution. I have no idea how to really do anything to help the genocidal terrorists more than giving them more credibility than cash, like the $900 million of your tax dollars I just gave them. Luckily, I didn't say that out loud. Maybe we should send them a video instead. Youtube, not DVD. What was the question?

Back to the economy.

Uh, Good night.

Update: Kaus explodes on Chappell's idiocy.