January 23, 2011

Why I Carry a Firearm

Because bad guys rarely shoot themselves.

Because rapists consider a whistle as foreplay.

Because I can't throw a pit bull at 1200 feet per second.

Because my Acme Dehydrated Boulders are in my other bag.

Because I'd look stupid pushing my firearm around in a stroller.

Because a cop that isn't in my purse is at least 10 minutes away.

Because lightning never hits the bad guy at the opportune time.

Because Steven Seagal isn't here to hide behind (literally, not figuratively).

Because the only belt I earned in martial arts is the one that kept my shirt on.

Because throwing a jar of angry bees just pisses off the average armed burglar.

Because a running chainsaw is just hard to get through the aisle at Quick E Mart.

Because to run, I need a sports bra that makes me look like I'm expecting an assassination attempt.

Because with a Smith and Wesson, it doesn't matter that I have the upper body strength of Justin Bieber.

Because if you think an underwire bra is uncomfortable, try a couple of ninja stars in your shirt pocket.

Because when I say (deadpan) "Stop, or I'll kick your butt" it doesn't sound as scary as when Chuck Norris says it.

Because tying angry Grizzlies to the front, side and rear of my car might stop the carjacker, it's a bitch in traffic.

Because as a law abiding citizen, the United States Constitution affirms that right, and my city and state support it.

Because the world is not the one I grew up in.

- Brigid (c) Confederate Yankee 2011

Posted by Brigid at January 23, 2011 01:10 AM

Let's not forget a couple of classic reasons:

"Because cops are too damned heavy to carry around!"


"I don't carry a gun to kill anyone- I carry to stay alive."

Posted by: Keith at January 23, 2011 09:46 AM

"God made men and women. Sam Colt made them equal."

Posted by: Tregonsee at January 23, 2011 10:37 AM

The holster looks like a codpiece.

Posted by: Douglas at January 23, 2011 03:15 PM

Until you got to the part about the sports bra, I thought this was from CY. And even then, my first thought was, "don't judge".

Posted by: Professor Hale at January 24, 2011 01:00 PM

Because spraying spices on rapists leaves them teary eyed and pissed off.

Because flame throwers leave such a mess

Because rapists won't stay put while I go get the car to run over them.

Because the clerks in Macy's look at me funny when I'm carrying a Louisville slugger.

Because I'm under no legal or moral obligation to be an easy victim.

Posted by: styrgwillidar at January 24, 2011 02:07 PM