May 29, 2011

Comic Writings, May 30, 2011, Part II

Welcome back to the second half of the literary bird droppings of my high school students. I hope the first half, posted May 23 (here) made your week a bit more mirthful. Let’s begin with a slightly skewed observation about Shakespeare’s classic, “Julius Caesar”:

What Was the Soothsayer’s Warning to Caesar?: “Beware the eyes of March.”

Use “Debauchery” In A Sentence: “The family had a lovely evening of debauchery.”

Really? “When debauchery is accomplished, it is good for the soul.”

They did?!: “The couple kissed debaucherily under the fascinating mistletoe.”

It Is?! What’s Your Worst?: “Debauchery is one of my best qualities.”

Uh, OK…: “One of the great things about the book is it’s a subtle movie.”

Uh, OK Too…: “Movies always put books into a better perspective to me because I can visualize what my mind is imagining and it is easier for me to comprehend.”

Contemptible Crops Department: “There are students who are contempt with getting by just barley in school.”

Well, He Was a Fighter…:

Q: The great Muslim warrior who fought the Crusaders was?

A: “Muhammed Ali.”

I Had No Idea He Was A Muslim!:

Q: The great Muslim warrior who fought the Crusaders was?

A: “Chuck Norris.”

Hope and Change:

Q: The great Muslim warrior who fought the Crusaders was?

A: Obama.”

Yo, Adrienne!:

Q: The great Muslim warrior who fought the Crusaders was?

A: Rocky Balboa.”

Give Peace a Chance:

Q: The great Muslim warrior who fought the Crusaders was?

A: Ghandi.”

Uh, Could We Have a Noun or Two, Please?: “There was a lot of feudal in the Medieval.”

They Pray to A Pop Singer?: “The Catholics pray to Madonna.”

She Did It Where?!: “Madonna was a virgin who gave birth to Jesus in the Bible.”

Like A Virgin: “Jesus’ mommy was Madonna.”

In The Where of Whom?: “Jesus presided in the woom of Madonna

Did He Know That?: “Jesus’ dad was the original Madonna.”

As Opposed To Overlooking It With her Nose?: “The Madonna stood shyly,
overlooking the temple with her eyes.”

Biological and Theological Confusion Department: “Jesus was born inside Madonna.”

I Hate It When That Happens: “She has a propensity to drik too much.”

So That’s How They Do it!: “Teachers degrade your paper to find out your grade.”

I Knew Football Was Bad! “I seemed senile after the football game.”

Overheard In Class: “It would be good if it was better.”

Uh, what? “I’m not saying that women should be under the control of their husbands, but it’s always good to be that way sometimes.”

Tell Me More About Your Family…: “My Dad should have been more affectionate and loving toward her wife.”

Overheard In Class: “Do Muslims have belly buttons?”

And We All Know How Much That Can Hurt: “Friends can either help you or hurt you in the end.”

So, They’re Making Them With Radioactive Sterno These Days? “The heat in the dessert was perpetual.”

So, They Worship Shiny Cloth?: “It should never be taken to the point of satin worshipping…”

The Reality of Teenage Dating In Poetry:

“You mean the world to me
It’s like we were meant to be.
April twenty-six was the day
We are still together,
And it’s almost May.

Truer Words Were Never Written: “Teachers know why animals eat their young.”

Question Asked Of The Teacher: “Mr. McDaniel, can I use ‘thrust’ in my poem? I’m not using it in a bad way!”

No Kidding! Department: “Some girls are Machiavellian in high school.”

Overheard in Class: “If I have to pee, it’s going to be on you!”

Identity Crisis Department: “’The Red Wheelbarrow’ by William Carlos Williams is a poem about a farmer who lives on a ranch.”

Singing Cleaning Shop Department: “’Mr. Tanner’ by Harry Chapin is about a man named Mr. Tanner who has a cleaning shop that was pressured from his friends to go to New York and sing.”

And I Think We All Know How Much That Can Hurt: “The theme of the book is emphasized at the end when George shoots Lennie in the forest.”

School Cannibalism Department: (Announcement) “We will also have a picnic in the student body—I mean the student lobby…”

Teenage Poetic Angst Department:

“We were one
We had fun
I used to be happy
Now I feel crappy.”

Self Love Department:

“I remember you always
And years from now
As we grow old together
The memories we’ll share
The situations we’ll encounter
Won’t be equaled by anyone else…
My friend, my navel.”

A Poem Only a Dentist Could Love:

“As we sit in the garden of youth cherishing a moment forever
The world spins everlasting
My heart beats like a humming bird’s swift flying motion
as you say your fillings for me.”

Overheard in Class: “If you went to prison, you’d be screwed.”

Literary Confusion Department: “To give up the tension to explore more humanity does not do the novel justice because Ken Kesey wrote it intentionally or not to integrate the tension.”

Unintentional Truth Department: “Old people’s teeth are usually transient.”

One Of These Days These Boots Are Gonna Walk All Over You: “A man named Dr. Sayer tried to heel many people…”

Uh, What? Department: “It [being awakened from a catatonic state] will be defecating if it will ever happen.”

Teacher Question: What is a gerund?

Student Answer: “Isn’t that like a little rat?”

Literary Confusion Department: “Dr. Sayer comes along a patient named Lucy and does an experiment in which he throws a tennis ball at her and discovers that they all have reflexes.”

Found In the “Name” Blank of a Vocabulary Worksheet: “Noun”

Literary Confusion Department, #2192: “In the story, Curley’s wife is called a tart. That word resembles a slut to us today.”

I Had No Idea They Could Talk: “A great cry burst from her hips…”

Being Compacted Would Probably Do That! Department: “It teaches compaction and doing the honorable thing by your friend, even if it kills you inside.

He Held Her What/Where?!: So Curley’s wife kept screaming, so Lennie just kept holding her titer and titer…”

Ouch!: “George was right in shooting Lennie in the end.”

So, That Concludes It Then?: “The conclusion was very conclusive.”

Posted by MikeM at May 29, 2011 11:34 PM

Mike, I'm sure you've seen a book entitled Anguished English. Your list reminds me of one of the funnest "Literary Confusion Department" entries I have ever seen.

Columbus circumcised the world in a hundred foot clipper.

Posted by: bains at May 31, 2011 06:39 PM

Dear Bains:

Indeed, "Anguished English" is one of my inspirations. Funny stuff.


Posted by: Mike Mc at May 31, 2011 07:38 PM