Letter From the Teacher #6: Parenting and Self-Esteem

Anytown High School, Any State, USA

To: Mrs. Williams
From: Mr. English Teacher
Re: Parenting and Self-esteem

Dear Mrs. Williams:

I glad my last e-mail was of some use to you, and I’ll be glad to try to more fully explain some of the things I mentioned. It’s important because most people really aren’t sure why we have decided to spend untold billions of dollars to provide a free public education for our kids. Yes, we do it to provide a common body of knowledge, to prepare citizens for the workplace, to try to make them good citizens, to help them figure out how they’ll fit into the future world of work, to civilize them to the greatest degree possible, and to achieve a wide variety of other worthy goals, but all of that represents what comes later, what is toward the end of the K-12 process. What we are really doing in education is so simple it escapes most people: building bigger, better brains.

We are literally trying to build bigger, better, more flexible, more convoluted brains. We do that by providing the opportunity for kids to make the greatest possible number of new neural connections. They do that by taking maximum advantage of their educational opportunities, which they do by constant, correct practice. Yes, I do mean practice, for you see, English is a skills class, and providing the opportunity for constant, correct practice is how I provide the educational opportunity to build bigger, better brains.

That’s why kids study English. The study of reading, writing, thinking, analysis, speaking, and everything else we do makes neural connections, builds the brain in ways that studying math can’t. Studying math builds the brain in ways that studying history can’t. Learning to be a musician builds the brain in ways that studying geography can’t, and so on and so on. Of course there are very practical reasons to study all of the disciplines the kids study, but at the very core of all we do, we try to build bigger, better brains, and everything we do is designed to further that ultimate goal.

This is where the issue of self-esteem comes into play. I don’t know exactly where this harmful notion originated. I would guess that the people who came up with it were well intentioned. Perhaps they noticed that kids were more engaged in their studies if they were happy, and recognizing that teachers can’t materially change the circumstances of their student’s lives away from school, set out to try to change them in school. Perhaps that’s where the self-esteem culture came from. Perhaps they thought that if they praised kids, if they told them that they were all very special, and smart, and capable and that they were so wonderful they would somehow, magically, reach previously unimagined heights of academic achievement. Unfortunately, that ignores human nature. That’s wishful thinking, not good teaching.

As I mentioned in my least e-mail, at the beginning of each year, I tell all of my students that I don’t care the least little bit for their self-esteem. Oh, they’re horrified, shocked, even outraged. Most of them don’t really know why they should be outraged, but they know enough to believe that they should think that nothing is more important in school than their “self of steam,” as one student put it.

So I tell them about my two decades as a police officer. I tell them that most of the criminals I met had sky-high self-esteem. They thought they were the slickest things since sliced bread. They thought they were smarter, cooler and just all-around better than everybody else. The truth was they were horrible people! They were selfish, crude, stupid and ready to betray anyone and everyone. If you left your mouth open too long within their reach, they’d try to steal your teeth. They were people who would hurt you in every way possible. They left nothing but pain and misery in their wake, but oh did they think highly of them selves! Their self-esteem was truly a thing to behold.

By this point, the kids are starting to think. Some usually ask how can such awful people have such high self-esteem. It’s so because self-esteem means nothing more than thinking highly of yourself, whether it’s justified or not. It’s completely internal. It requires no accomplishment, no character, no altruism, no kindness, and no adherence to a moral code, nothing external to one’s imagination. You think, therefore you are and reality doesn’t matter!

Now more are starting to come around. Some of them realize that they know people just like that and they’re not really all that special. That’s when I tell them that what I care about—what they must care about—is self-respect. Self-respect is earned. It must be worked on every day and in every interaction with others. You are worthy of self-respect in English class if you actually do your practice, your assignments. You are worthy if you really think about them, if you do your best, if you help others to be their best, and if you deal with everyone with sincerity. Ultimately, self-respect is judged on entirely external criteria, criteria determined by others, by teachers, parents, and yes, even by their peers.

I also tell the kids that I will not praise them for behavior that is unworthy of praise. If they hand in an assignment that is essentially dog poo, I will not praise them for their effort in producing dog poo. I will not tell them what good dog poo it is. I will, instead, say: “this is dog poo. Here is why this is dog poo. Now let’s talk about how you can avoid producing dog poo next time.” They learn quickly that when I praise their work, they have genuinely earned it, and once they understand how that feels, how self-respect is actually built, they want more of it and they try harder.

Don’t get me wrong. I know I’m dealing with teenagers, and not every one of them will buy into this fully. Not every one of them will work even harder next time, but the majority will try at least somewhat harder, and in that process, I have gently, subtly conditioned them into forgetting all about self-esteem and into building bigger, better brains, and they haven’t realized what I am doing! We English teachers are truly a sneaky lot. Heh-heh!

What’s that? Am I actually saying that kids have to produce excellent work to get excellent grades in my classes? In a public school? In schools where self-esteem matters, kids get A’s for dog poo. Not in schools where self-respect matters. That’s what building bigger, better brains is all about, and that’s what is going on in most American public schools. We know there are exceptions, yet the means to fix those problems already exists. But that’s a subject for another time.

I’m not sure why this is so hard for so many. I’m a baby-boomer, and I know that many of the parents of my generation, and the next, somehow got off the parenting track. Somewhere along the way, some of them came to believe that instead of being parents to their children, their highest calling was to be their best friend. From that simple misconception, all manner of harm has been wrought. Perhaps they were raised on the mantra of self-esteem and had no other frame of reference.

You know that one of the current fads, which is all about self-esteem, is what is known as “student-centered” teaching. In this odd way of thinking about education, teachers are not supposed to be learned sages who impart knowledge and ability to students, but instead, they must be “facilitators” who allow students to discover their inner brilliance by letting them decide how to learn and which assignments to do. Would it surprise you to learn that many students decide, and with amazing speed, that they will learn most effectively with no assignments at all or with assignments that require little or no effort?

If I don’t have knowledge to share, if I don’t know how to direct kids in the correct practice, if I can’t inspire them to want to try harder, if I have no idea of the difference between self-esteem and self-respect, why did I go to college? Why am I, even now, continuing my education? Why did my school district hire me? If I’m not the experienced, capable, responsible adult in the room, what good am I?

I’m not suggesting that teachers should stand in front of their classes and lecture from the same set of yellowed notes they’ve been using for years. That’s simply bad teaching. What I also tell my kids is that I do want to be their friend, but that I cannot and will not be their middle-aged homey. I can be their adult friend, their friend whose first name is “Mister,” until they’ve graduated from high school, until they’ve earned the right to address me by my given first name. They must expect me, always and in every way, to behave as a completely responsible adult who will always live up to his obligations and will always do what is best for them, whether their friends would like it or not.

I often wish more of their parents would do that. Being a parent isn’t easy. It isn’t always rewarding, but it is the most important job anyone has. I see the kids less than five hours a week for less than a year of their lives. I know that I can have some influence on them, but it’s nothing compared to the influence of their parents, parents I hope understand that they too should not give a boatload of deceased rodents for the self-esteem of their kids.

It’s so important and yet, so simple; when everyone knows that what matters is self-respect, it’s possible to build bigger, better brains. That’s what we’re supposed to do. All of the decisions, all of the plans, everything that eventually flows from 12 years of a free, public education flows from that simple understanding, and from those flexible, bigger, better brains. People in the process of building them tend to take advantage of their educational opportunities. People who can only think highly of themselves tend not to see the need for taking advantage of those opportunities. After all, when you’re that good, what’s the point of improvement?

I hope this has been helpful. Please let me know if I didn’t fully address your concerns, and please feel free to visit our classroom anytime. It’s a brain-building zone.

Yours,

Mr. English Teacher