September 15, 2011

Barack Obama: The Shocking Truth Finally Revealed!

NEWSFLASH: Barack Obama is a three-headed space alien from Alpha Centuri sent to Earth to kidnap women and the American economy because Alpha Centuri needs women and an economy! Confederate Yankee has done it again, breaking stories no sane blog will touch!

According to high ranking Administration sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, the stories about Mr. Obama’s ineligibility for office are true, but not as many have imagined. Rather than being merely foreign born, he was born—actually hatched--outside our solar system! “He has a personal concealment field that hides his true appearance and carries around ferocious space weasels in his trousers,” one source revealed to CY.

In another CY exclusive, another Administration source revealed a matter that has been vexing the public since NY Times' House Republican David Brooks' drooling article over Mr. Obama's pants creases: “They [the space weasels] maintain the creases Brooks drooled over, using unfathomable alien pant creasing technology."

Yet another female Administration source told CY: "You can’t imagine the havoc they’ve wreaked in the female staffer’s washroom. I mean they just pop out anywhere and women disappear!”

Rumors of missing female staffers have long swirled around the Obama White House. Another anonymous staffer provided this revealing e-mail. Written by a female staffer that has not been seen since the July 2nd date of the e-mail, it provides a chilling perspective on working in the White House:

From: Name Redacted
To: Jay Carney

Re: Ferocious Space Weasels

I can’t take it any more! Everywhere I go, I’m being pursued by these crazed weasels! I’m going through five pair of shredded pantyhose a week! And every time I see Mr. Obama, I swear he has three heads! And…wait a minute…what’s that noise…Oh, Mr. President, it’s you…what are you….AAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE…..

Presidential Press Secretary Jay Carney spoke with CY by phone: “I’ve never heard of Miss Redacted, er, whatever her name was, and I have no comment about space weasels" Carney said. "As for Mr. Glorgscarch, er, I mean Mr. Obama, I…AAIIIIEEEEEEEEE…”

Repeated requests for comment from Mr. Obama have gone without reply amid growing rumors of odd, glowing spacecraft landing on the East Lawn of the White House at irregular intervals.

CY will continue to follow this shocking story and report developments as they become available.

Can I be reported to Mr. Obama’s People’s Block Committee site, “Attack Watch” now, pretty please? It’s your Socialist duty! Join the glorious people’s revolution and report your neighbor or your parents today! Support the wise and glorious leader of the people's revolution! Show him how much you love him!

DISCLAIMER: Mr. Obama is not actually a three-headed space alien with ferocious space weasels in his neatly creased trousers. As far as we know.

Posted by MikeM at September 15, 2011 10:12 PM

Well, it's at least as accurate as that new book, 'Rogue'...

And how come no one has said ANYTHING about the rumors purporting that there are child sacrifices the President demands be performed in the White House basement every Sunday in a hideous dark ritual?


Posted by: Orion at September 15, 2011 11:27 PM

Nothing this administration does will suprise me.

Posted by: Purple Raider at September 16, 2011 01:30 AM


I reported your ass to AttackWatch. You're welcome. If you see an odd glow outside your front door tonight, ummm, run!

Posted by: Col Bat Guano at September 16, 2011 06:13 PM
[U]sing unfathomable alien pant creasing technology.

...So that's where they got ScotchGuard from!

Posted by: Casey at September 16, 2011 06:56 PM

I'm sorry, but this is not news. Those of us who viewed a video compilation of photos with Obama "smiling" realized a long time ago that no human could produce the identical "smile" time after time after time after time. You can find the video at YouTube by searching "Barack Obama's amazingly consistent smile."

That he comes from Alpha Centuri, however, is more specific information than we've ever had before, so thank you for performing that public service!

Posted by: Bookworm at September 18, 2011 08:06 PM