September 24, 2011

It's Punday!

In the pursuit of my English teaching day job I often come across various bit of fun with the mother tongue. This list of delightful puns came across my computer screen recently, unfortunately without attribution. I've found several other lists, some of which include some of these, but alas, no specific author for this particular group. If you should recognize the author, please let me know that I might give them proper credit.

I'll begin the list with one of my favorites:

Did you hear about the dyslexic existentialist? He spent his entire life pondering the meaning of dog.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Posted by MikeM at September 24, 2011 11:19 PM

Feckless Fred finally finished his 7 and 70 and thereupon become the center piece at a funeral. He was under-dressed for the occasion.

Get it? "Under-dressed."

Posted by: Punditto at September 25, 2011 12:23 PM

Remember: PUN spelled backwards is NUP. And a nup is a nup. ;o)

Posted by: HI!Jack! at September 25, 2011 08:39 PM

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there really is a dog....

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but Syran Wrap underwear. The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts"

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel jammed down the front of his pants. The bartender says, "Say buddy, that looks uncomfortable", to which the pirate replies, "YARRR! It's drivin' me nuts!"

Posted by: Walt at September 27, 2011 12:10 AM

If Santa had a bothersome assistant would he then have an insubordinate claus?

Posted by: Alan Kellogg at September 27, 2011 12:21 PM