February 15, 2009

Stimulus Guns

The Multi-Generational Financial Rape Act of 2009 passed in the House of Representatives Friday without a single Republican vote and the loss of seven Democrats, sending the bill to the Senate, where just three turncoats—Susan Collins, Olympia Snowe, and Arlen Specter—could be fooled into voting for a massive spending program no Senator or Congressman has read.

The unexamined legislation forced through Congress with little oversight or review is expected to threaten the nation's credit rating, potentially devalue the dollar, and lead to a spike in inflation not seen since Jimmy Carter's abortive Presidency.

Neophyte President Barack Obama, less than a month into the first professional executive position of his life (the failed chairmanship of the Chicago Annenberg Challenge that wasted tens of millions of educational dollars in attempting Marxist indoctrination was a volunteer position), is poised to sign the Bill on Monday Tuesday (because one simply must have a three-day weekend his third week on the job), adding years to the recession, and increasing violent crime and property crime to levels not seen in decades outside of Chicago public schools.

In light of these bold, decisive, and reckless series of decisions of Congressmen and women more intent on catching their vacation flights than helping theri constituents, many Americans have decided that now is a great time to put money back into certain segments of the economy, spurring a run on shelf-stable foods, water purifiers, subterranean concrete construction, and of course, firearms.

While I don't have the necessary background to help people determine the best brand of freeze-dried ice cream or powdered milk, and my knowledge of the right cement mix to use in do-it-yourself bunkers is very limited, I have spent a considerable amount of my recreational time over the years around firearms and ammunition, including a stint selling guns and ammo for a major sporting goods retailer that rhymes with "Pricks."

Without further ado, here are some select choices, broken down by political affiliation

Guns for Liberals
For the hardcore hope-and-changer, nothing says I HEART OBAMA more than the 10 Exciting Power Squirt, just the kind of item New York Times editorialists gush over when they're gushing about the Great Big O. This Indonesian import is colorful, and is guaranteed to leave you soaked. And while it can't really defend you from anyone or anything, gosh-darn it, it sure looks fun!

For fans of San Fran Nan and her all important junket to Italy, we offer the 8mm Beretta CX4. Made of the same space-age polymers and rigid plastics as our Speaker of the House, this ultra-fabulous design looks capable, but when it goes off, the joke's on you.

And last but not least, the perfect Harry Reid gun is obvious, if lacking spark.

Guns For Obamacons
Not quite liberal, but certainly not conservative, Obamacons want a little power in their hands, even if they don't know what to do with it. Nothing could be more fitting for an Obamacon than the powerful new Taurus revolver, the Judge. A pistol designed to fire a .410 shotgun shell, the Judge is a favorite of Obamacons everywhere. We recommend Obamacons use the Judge with 12-gauge shells. True, that doesn't fit, but they can always try to force it and see how that works out.

For Conservatives, both Democrat and Republican
How many are you willing to sell, and at what profit margin?

Posted by Confederate Yankee at February 15, 2009 11:39 AM

Get them out of office for good!!! Spread the word - especially the RINO's. Inudate them with emails expressing the negative effect their stupidity will have on their careers!

Posted by: pops1911 at February 15, 2009 03:40 PM

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Do you really think that we're headed towards an apocalyptic breakdown of society that could force families into survival shelters.

I'm a red-stater in a sea of blue here. I've always thought that no matter what - even in the event of a terrorist attack - that my family and I would be safe.

Is this stimulus bill so bad that we are all going to have to reevaluate our personal relationships with our government, our neighbors and our communities?

Could it ever possibly get so bad that something like, say, clean water, becomes a jeopardized resource?

Say it ain't so!

Posted by: Seņor Itchy at February 15, 2009 03:44 PM

It reminds me of the scene fro Jimmy Coburn's late sixties classic "The President's Analyst": When faced with death, the Russian agent hands Jimmy an M-16 Jimmy tells said Rooskie "I can't... I'm a man of medicine... a man of peace!" to whit the Russian telling him its "either this, or certain death"...

Cutscene to Jimmy Coburn coming out of a cloud of HC white smoke, burning 15 rounds from the hip, screaming "TAKE THAT YOU HOSTILE SUNUSBEEEATCHES!!!!"

Sorta like that... a lib is a conservative who hasn't been mugged yet. Look at the extreme version in Robin Williams/Walter Mathuaw film "The Survivors" of a liberal NY Lawyer who gets mugged and goes off the deep end...

Me: Well Bob, I ain't sellin... I'm buying (long distance mail order from Baghdad) but I've got enough now to feel comfy, and I've been looking locally b/c I figure if EVERYTHING melts down, and RPK or RPG even might be that ONE equalizer that the local hoodlums can't counter... nothing like having light squad automatic weapons and a Anti-Tank weapon on hand eh? Can't you imagine what a 66mm RPG 7 would do to a low-rider? LMAO!!!!

Posted by: Big Country at February 17, 2009 10:54 AM

The whole world economy is swirling down the porcelain throne. Did you see the news out of Europe about the currencies falling apart?

We're in a dire situation and as I look at the widget ExactPrice and see gold and silver taking off I am getting the impression that a mess of other folk with lots of money are thinking the same. Gold right now is at $972.80. We're going to retesting last years highs real soon I think. Tells me that investors with money are seeking to cover there rears as they run from the markets.

Everybody better hold tight, because I don't think the stimulus package is going to save anything.

Posted by: Hal at February 17, 2009 12:14 PM

my investments are in brass, steel, lead, and walnut. I keep a few gallons of bleach available in case the water goes south.

Posted by: Don Meaker at February 17, 2009 11:48 PM

I'm really disappointed that you couldn't make a recommendation to liberals of an impressive "plastic replica" that would surely get them "blown away" if the actually confronted a poor misunderstood well-armed urban entrepreneur who might happen upon their homes looking for the American dream.

Posted by: Neo at February 18, 2009 07:29 AM


Posted by: 货架、 at March 25, 2009 08:20 PM