Comic Writings, May 23, 2011, Part I

Have you ever written something and thought it was pretty darned good, only to reread it a day later—or after it has been returned, bleeding like a sieve from all of the wounds inflicted by an English teacher—and found yourself horrified by the mistakes you overlooked? Sure you have; we all have. It’s just human nature. When we try to proofread immediately after we’ve completed something, the brain plays tricks on us. We tend to see what we think we wrote, the perfectly organized, brilliantly argued, insightful paper we envision, not what we actually committed to paper (or silicon). It is only when we put time and space between a finished writing and our attempt to proofread that we are able to see glaring, black and white reality, and improve it before releasing it upon an unsuspecting world.

Every year, I collect the wounderful products of too-rapid proofreading, or worse (better?) yet, no proofreading at all. Rather than allowing them to die a merciful death, I preserve them for all time, the better to remind us all that there but for the time to effectively proofread go I. I do this because I am an evil English teacher! Dr. Evil would be proud.

Please, gentle readers and fellow butchers of the mother tongue, don’t say that what you’re about to read is evidence of the horrendous failings of our public schools. It is not, and besides, to paraphrase John Cleese in the “We’ve Got A Witch!” scene of “Monty Python and The Holy Grail”: “They got better.” Many of these little deranged gems were written by my finest students, smart, capable kids who allowed themselves to become just a little rushed. If they were perfect, after all, they’d be English teachers! No names have been included so embarrassment does not interfere with laughter and learning.

It has been wisely said that no one ever really finishes a work of literature; they merely, eventually, abandon it in despair. So sit back and enjoy these orphaned offspring of despair, the product of my manifested English evil! I’ll post the second half of these literary lesions next Monday.

Can You Really Use That as an Adjective? Department: “This is evident when he says ‘I noticed some pieces of limbs and suck things floating down…’”

Water Fowl Royalty Department: “What is Huck’s last straw regarding his tolerance for the Duck and the King?”

He Traded Her For Bees? “Huckleberry thinks he’s being mean because he be trades the widow…”

I Hate It When They Cone Them! “Yes. Huck is trying to make sure that no one gets coned…”

What About Junior Gall Bladder Jones? “Sophomore Colon Smith will start at quarterback Friday…”

And Spell Like A Vagabond? “…in my opinion, I write like a hobo.”

Self Respect Department: “I have a lot of self respect for myself.”

Well, That Explains It! Department: “Most of my homework is based on ellipsis.”

I Hate It When That Happens! Department: “My sister annoyed me by verbatimizing me.”

He Didded? “’Jesus wepted’ is a passage quote out of the Bible.”

Drugs In The Movies Department: “…a church funded the movie and in return their youth pastor had to be the heroin…”

Use “Deprive” In A Sentence: “Mr. Johnson likes to deprive me of my beautiful Mohawk.”

Carpet Cleaners Too? “There are vacuums in space…”

And This Surprises You? “After he died, he only had one expression on his face for the rest of the movie.”

I Hate It When That Happens! Department: “The main set is the town cemetery where the main characters are berried.”

Boo! “Tor Johnson was played by a big Swedish wrestler who spooks English very badly.”

Fun With Statistics! Department: “Most of the actors was not that good half the time in the movie.”

How About Twice? “The plot made absolutely no sense once so ever.”

I Hate It When That Happens! “They always had one, maybe two different expirations on their face if that.”

No Kiddin’! “Internment is like volunteering for a job.”

Mangled Aphorisms Department: “The end does not always justify what it means.”

On the Daily Announcements: “The Fire Department needs water; please bring water!”

Use “Migration” In A Sentence: “The migration of birds produces lots of poop on your car.”

Uh, Is This Gross Or What? “Many reporters are in love and obsessed with Barak Obama’s a listening nocturnal muscles.”

This Is Either Really Insightful, Or… “They had to vote for suffrage.”

Automotive Rights Department: “I am inalienable to drive at the moment.”

Student Lamenting His Recent Haircut: “I got my locks of love cut off!”

No Kidding! Department: People are trying to prevent obesity, as it is a widely spread issue…”

Uh, What? “Knowing that federal court have consistently upheld the right of firearms to make reasonable informed choices about their own responsibilities do you favor continuing to allow everyone to own firearms or would you ban all abortions?”

And We All Know How Much That Can Hurt: “Rafael Palmero was proven guilty of the use of performance enhancing drugs and he was stripped of his tittles…”

I Hate It When That Happens: “When American war heroes are angulated and appreciated…”

On The Header of Report Cards: “Smithville ISD will be a highly acclaimed model of Educationsl Excellence.”

A Second Try on the Header of Report Cards: “Smithville ISD will be a highly acclaimed model of Educational Excellance [spelling, obviously not so much].”

That’s A Good Question: “Is cheerleading a really sport?”

Beastly Music Department: “Beethoven is a beast composer.”

Uh, Right: “Oratorio Is Not A Canadian City.”

Everyone’s A Critic: “”It [the William Tell Overture] has very good theme and makes me want to go to sleep.”

Uh, OK: “The London Philharmonic Orchestra preformed the William Tell Adventure.”

Aren’t We All?: “…Rossini wrote softer dynamics to show how relaxed and tranquil nature is after a good shower.”

As Opposed To Ending To Conclude?: “This is the second movement starting to begin.”

Being Longer Has Its Disadvantages: “Some physicians say the longer an athlete the more severe and persistent the symptoms become.”

Self Evident Answers Department: “Narcolepsy: Good or Bad?”

Keep The Guatemalans Out! Department: “It is not morally right for Mexico to build their own fences on their southern borders.”

“I am polydactyl; give me a high seven!”

Use “Comatose” in a Sentence: “Your face will be coma toast.”

It Affects Their Writing Too: “Drugs have a major disaster on students and completely ruins their time college and makes your time worthless.”

Announcement: “Now For the Edge of Aplegiance…”

Define “Canon”: “A deep depression in the earth with steep sides.”

So, You’re a Moth? “Morrie reminds me of my eighth grade teacher Mr. Andrews who was a moth teacher.”

Truth In A Research Paper: “Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class.”

Join us again, same batty time, same batty channel, next Monday for more compositional catastrophe!